Twilight

For our inaugural "Camp Or Crap?" screening, what else could we choose but the infamous Twilight? Vampires have pervaded pop culture in a way similar to herpes, in that it has these seemingly random flare-ups that no one ever sees coming and never fully disappear. To be fair, however... one of us owns this DVD and has seen it no less than eight times.



Directed by: Catherine Hardwicke (Lords of Dogtown, Thirteen)
Starring: Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson
Plot Summary: "Creepers gotta creep."

This movie starts with one of the worst-written monologues in recent years. Not to mention the fact that the story, if you want to call it that, revolves around one of the worst fictional characters EVER: Bella Swan. A teenage girl with no goals, no personal interests other than cactuses and dead people, and one singular thought process: "EDWAAAAAAAAAAARD!" People hate Kristen Stewart for some weird reason, but Stewart's not the issue. She's playing the character as she's written. Bella is weak and irritating, and there's no way of getting around that. How teenage girls idolize this chick is beyond us.

Observations Made As We Watched:
--"There is SO MUCH PLAID in this movie... I understand they're in Washington, but IT'S EVERYWHERE!"
--"If you were a hundred and nine years old, why would you wear your hair like that?"
--"He wants to be a real actor so bad." / "I know, I'm pulling for him."
--"Everyone looks dead. Indistinguishably so, from the vampires. Like, why does that Hispanic girl look gray?"
--"What is his thought process here? 'I cannot murder you, so we must obviously be friends.'"
--"The only way Jacob's wig could be worse is if they made it with yarn."
--"So the one black kid in Forks is the one who almost kills her?"
--"I feel like this might be a better movie if the 8 Mile soundtrack were laid over it."
--"Hahaha, this is f***ing ridiculous, how is he scaring these guys? 17-year-old boy with a bouffant and lipstick and a peacoat rolls up in a Volvo?"

"I don't blame them for this movie, it's just terrible writing."

And that, everyone, is the crux of what is so deeply wrong here. At a certain point, we realized that in the moments when he wasn't saying anything, and just being Edward, Robert Pattinson was the most charming part of the whole movie. (Excluding the creeptastic, "I like to stand in the corner of your room and watch you sleep" thing, because nothing could make that okay.) He and Stewart are trying their hardest to be sincere, and play against the melodrama as much as they can, but no actor can save himself/herself from Stephenie Meyer. This wasn't a case of bad adaptation. This was a spot-on adaptation from a terrible author. "So the lion fell in love with the lamb..." WHAT?! Bella's not a lamb and Edward's not a lion. More like an earthworm with a shortage of personality and a bat with a surplus of hair gel.

The Best Part: Pattinson. Not because we think he's beautiful, but because he's doing what he can with what he's been given. Even the bizarre "spider monkey" moment has a sweet sense of humor to it.

The Worst Part: The ten-minute sequence in the middle of the movie, when Bella reveals to Edward that she knows he's a vampire, and Edward tries (unsuccessfully) to demonstrate how scary he is. Bad writing, awkward editing, horrific camera work... It's really a shame, because our favorite line in the movie takes place during this part:

"How old are you?"
"Seventeen."
"How long have you been seventeen?"
"...A while."

Overall, we give it a B (so bad, it's good). For all its production issues and stalking/necrophilia/pedophilia/bestiality undertones, Twilight is truly hilarious. We laughed out loud watching this one, and even if the protagonist isn't a character anyone wants to see more than once, her leading man's mojo more than makes up for it.

(Poster and trailer © Summit Entertainment)