Gigli

Directed By: Martin Brest (Meet Joe Black, Beverly Hills Cop)
Starring: Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez, and Justin Bartha
Plot Summary: ""How are there 45 minutes of story left?" / "I don't know, since there haven't been 45 minutes of story YET."

WTF?

Gigli (Affleck) is a completely inept, low-level gangster. Known all over town as "a f***-up." His boss directs him to kidnap Brian, the mentally-retarded brother (Bartha) of a federal prosecutor, as a threat, so they can stop the big boss from going to prison. However, Gigli sucks at everything, so Ricki (Lopez) is also hired to take charge. Which begs the question, why keep messing around with Gigli in the first place? Whatever. Okay. The two watch Brian, and Gigli falls for Ricki, but Ricki's a lesbian, and nothing else really happens.

Observations Made As We Watched:
--"Jesus f***ing ballsacks, we're really watching this right now."
--"Is this Weather Channel music?"
--"Does he have chest hair, or is there something on my computer?"
--"He looks like a damn Grand Theft Auto character. Like, 'It's Vice City in this bitch!' Except Tommy Vercetti would've f***ed him up."
--"Is this a comedy? This can't be a comedy."
--"IS THAT THE DUDE FROM THE NEW NORMAL?! Oh my God, bless you, Justin Bartha, honey, why are you in this movie?"
--"Bennifer: a pop culture travesty if there ever was one."
--"I don't understand why he's mentally handicapped, story-wise. Like, is that just to get on Gigli's nerves? And, if so, can we not imply things like that about handicapped people, please?"
--"I feel like I'm delirious, like this can't be a movie."
--"Can we write George Clooney a letter about this? I know he had nothing to do with it, but he's friends with Ben, and I think he could help."
--"WE STILL HAVE AN HOUR AND 43 MINUTES LEFT?! I WANT TO BASH MY FACE INTO A WALL!"
--"Who wrote this dialogue, a potato?"
--"This is like a long car ride without a radio." / "With blacked-out windows." / "Through Indiana."
--"AL PACINO? WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"
--"I hope Matt Damon saw this and laughed in Ben's face."

"WHAT WAS THE F***ING POINT OF THAT MOVIE?"

You know, back when Sarah and I started this project, this was the one movie that made me second-guess committing to this. I thought, "God, we're going to have to watch Gigli at some point." We still weren't prepared. We spent most of this experience screaming, laughing, or crying as a result of either. It's billed as a romantic comedy, but it was neither romantic, nor funny. At all. The titular character is obnoxious, there's no plot, there are a million pointless monologues, some rando shows up for one scene and slits her wrists in Gigli's kitchen, the score is hideous, the writing is garbage, and we're pretty sure a brick wall and a cactus would have better chemistry than Ben and Jen.

Now, two very important things need to be addressed: the uses of Brian's mental handicap and Ricki's lesbianism. Both of these traits, for want of a better word, seem to only exist as foils for Gigli to overcome, which is downright offensive. Gigli spends most of his time around Brian yelling at him, and calls him names. The whole approach towards Brian -- the most charming character in the entire movie -- reeks of, "Oh, jeez, gotta babysit the retard." Really? REALLY? 

Is that supposed to be Gigli's character development? Learning to act like a human being towards Brian? It must be, since Gigli falling in love with Ricki sure as hell doesn't count. When he first questions Ricki's orientation, in the douchiest, most misogynistic way possible, he tells her how women can never really be satisfied sexually without a penis getting involved. My first thought was, "Oh, he doesn't understand oral at all, does he?" which Ricki then pointed out, and then she explained -- in a stressfully long-winded speech -- the appeal of going down on a vagina. As straight ladies, this was certainly a different perspective for Sarah and I to hear in a mainstream movie, but there were some questions:

1) Ricki's main point was that everyone, man or woman, wants to kiss someone on the lips because that's basically what a vagina looks like. Can anyone who's attracted to vaginas clear this up for us? Because neither of us equates a vagina with a mouth and wants to kiss it...
2) I call shenanigans on that being her main point, because I don't believe there's a woman on this planet, especially not a lesbian, who would wax poetic about labia for ten minutes and completely ignore the clitoris.

Anyway, Gigli's all, "Oh, you just haven't had a guy treat you right!" The fact that they run away together in the end serves to prove him right. We didn't believe their romance for a second, both because of their lack of spark and the fact that the movie presented no reasons in Gigli's character for Ricki to fall for him, other than the fact that he was there. Sure, sexuality can be fluid, but this particular display just fosters that age-old, Frustrated Straight Man Rage towards lesbians with the sexist notion that women only choose women because they never found the right man.

The Best Part: Justin Bartha, Christopher Walken, and Al Pacino are in this movie, and they're great.

The Worst Part: Everything else.

Sarah apologized multiple times for suggesting we do Gigli next. However, it had to be done, and now it never, ever, ever has to happen again.

Ben Affleck, you're an Oscar-winning writer. How could you have read this script and thought this was something you needed to be part of? Shame on you, Ben Affleck. SHAME ON YOU.

It's an F-.

Sarah: "I'm really upset about everything we just watched. I think I need to go to bed."
Jasmyn: "No! We're going to churn out this review. I don't wanna think about this movie past tonight."

(Poster and trailer © Revolution Studios)

Ella Enchanted

It must be stated, before anything else, that Sarah and I have never entered a review with this much built-in contempt. Yes, book-to-movie adaptations are tricky, since the two media are so different, but the best are able to maintain the spirit of the original story. For instance, the filmmakers of The Devil Wears Prada altered small (but key) elements of the book's characters, but recreated their snarky charm in a way that still entertained and told a fuller story on screen. As a result, The Devil Wears Prada was that rare occasion when the movie was better than the book. However... Ella Enchanted induced childhood trauma in two twentysomethings by dropping a big, fat, elephant turd on one of the best children's books of the 90s.



Directed By: Tommy O'Haver (Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss, Get Over It)
Starring: Anne Hathaway and Hugh Dancy
Plot Summary: "It's like the cabaret version of The Village."

The original story was a witty variation of "Cinderella." Ella (Hathaway), given the "gift" of obedience at birth by a wacked-out fairy (Vivica Fox, because this movie's casting director was apparently a dart board), must do whatever she's told. So, when she grows up, and her absentee father leaves her with her wicked stepmother and awful stepsisters, who very quickly discover what they can do to her, Ella decides she has to find her fairy godmother and convince her to lift the curse. Along the way, she meets Prince Charming Charmont (Dancy), and you can guess what happens from there. The book handled this wonderfully, but since the movie has ended up on Camp or Crap?, it's obviously got some problems. We'll try to leave as much of the book out of this as we can, and judge the movie on its own merits, but a lot of what's wrong with this particular adaptation is the sheer level of unnecessary crap that got thrown into it.

Observations Made As We Watched:
--"Did they put the camera on a drunk dragon?"
--"What the f*** is this outfit? Why is she dressed as a magical hooker?"
--"This seems like something that would happen on Criminal Minds."
--"Why hasn't Anne Hathaway done a real movie-musical yet?"
--"Wassup, green-screen, how are you today?"

"WHAT IS YOUR LIFE, CARY ELWES!? YOU WERE IN THE PRINCESS BRIDE AND YOU WERE ROBIN HOOD! YOU A**HOLE! WHY ARE YOU S***TING ON BEING AWESOME?!"

The above fit of hysterical rage was in reaction to the god-awful role given to Cary Elwes, formerly known as the beautiful and heroic Westley in The Princess Bride and the title character of Robin Hood: Men In Tights. The producers probably thought, "Oh yeah, get Elwes, but we'll make him the bad guy this time, like he's passing on the torch for a new crop of fantasy comedies!" WRONG, MOTHERF***ERS, YOU'RE ON NOTICE! Elwes plays Char's sinister uncle, Edgar, who wears a porn-star goatee and leers at Ella like an absolute creeper. ("Ella, meet my uncle, Rape-Face McGee.") He also walks around with a talking pet snake for no reason. Uncle Edgar didn't even exist in the books, and therefore, neither did his painfully cliche plot.

Sarah: "You'd think all princes would be wary of their uncles."
Me: "They should be. If there's a dead father, there's an attempted homicide on the horizon."

Simba, Caspian, Hamlet, Dastan... the list of marked princes goes on and on. Edgar, like all uncles in fantasy movies, wants Char dead so he can take the throne. Edgar's desire to use our heroine as the hitwoman (after he finds out about her curse) is, admittedly, a fresh twist, but the plot itself is predictable. That's why we have a gripe with this facet of the adaptation: You add an entirely new storyline to the movie, and it's not even an interesting one? The same can be said for the other additions: Instead of committing to a full-on musical, there are two songs performed, and only one of those scenes makes sense in the movie's canon. (Ella is ordered to entertain a crowd of giants by singing and dancing, and the second number is just gratuitous because the filmmakers couldn't end the movie.) The fantasy creatures are turned into oafish caricatures -- although, it must be noted that one of the elves makes fun of the idea of what an elf should be. A small plot about racism, featuring Ella's best friend, Areida (Parminder Nagra), is shrunk into two short scenes that don't carry any emotional resonance throughout the rest of the movie.

Speaking of which, there were a lot of shortcuts taken with the production, which made the movie look as though it could've been staged by a high school theatre troupe. All the costumes look cheap as hell, as if they were rounded up from Joe-Bob's Halloween Shack and the basement of a Forever 21. Plus, the green-screen is done so poorly in many places that it took us out of the movie. Come on, Miramax, what was your budget? There are renaissance fairs in the back-alley cornfields of Iowa that look more legit than this did.

The Best Part: Hathaway and Dancy were wonderful and sincere, and their chemistry glues the entire movie together. In the scene when Ella is sobbing, trying to stop herself from stabbing Char in the back with a dagger while he proposes to her, it feels like a real, tragic moment. Also, at some point, a castle worker says, "Stop tonguing the foyer!" and that's a spectacular line.

The Worst Part: The Nicolas Cage School for Campy Actors should be shut down immediately. As should the JC Penney Production Design Academy.

We give it a D+.

(Poster and trailer © Miramax Films)

27 Dresses

Going into this, it must be noted that Sarah likes romantic comedies, and I (Jasmyn) actively hate them. In fact, the first time we saw this movie, in theaters, Sarah had seen it already (but wanted to see The Diving Bell and the Butterfly), and I was hell-bent on seeing Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. Unfortunately, every movie except 27 Dresses was sold out, because Hannah Montana in Concert premiered that night and all the tweens' parents had swarmed the rest of the theater. Sarah wasn't pleased, but I was PISSED.



Directed By: Anne Fletcher (The Proposal, Step Up)
Starring: Katherine Heigl and James Marsden
Plot Summary: "Katherine Heigl's really good at playing career-driven, self-righteous, accidentally self-sacrificing bitches."

There is nothing that gets in the way of a solid romantic comedy (with a good script by Aline Brosh McKenna, who also wrote The Devil Wears Prada) faster than Katherine Heigl. Her character, Jane, the woman who has infamously been a bridesmaid or maid-of-honor 27 times, is one of those people who can never say no. She, like all of Heigl's characters, is always put-upon. The only difference between Jane and Alison (Knocked Up), Abby (The Ugly Truth), or Holly (Life As We Know It) is that Jane is slightly more pathetic. She's just as passive-aggressive as the others, but Jane's closer to the passive end of the spectrum. The closer we inspected the plot developments and dialogue of these roles, collectively, we found that the characters themselves weren't that problematic. Heigl, however, gives everyone she plays an anal, bitchy twist with a sense of entitlement, so if Anne Hathaway, Drew Barrymore, or even Reese Witherspoon had starred in these movies instead, the characters wouldn't be so grating. Heigl's portrayals always become reenactments of The Taming of the Shrew, so she makes ambitious women look bad.

Observations Made As We Watched:
We had a lot of thoughts about how irritating Heigl is, but that's mostly it, except:

"JAMES MARSDEN IS HEEEERE!"

Casting the leads was another big issue with this movie. We didn't believe Edward Burns as Jane's eco-friendly, outdoorsy dream guy (because it was easier to see him in a 5-episode arc as a WASPy, Upper East Side love interest on Gossip Girl), and we didn't believe Malin Akerman as Jane's spoiled, manipulative sister (because that character could've been a great antagonist, but Akerman plays her so flatly). When we're supposed to understand why Jane's obsessed with George, and supposed to root for Jane to triumph over Tess, but neither is interesting, that's a problem. The exception to this problem is James Marsden, who plays Kevin, the cynical shrew-tamer for this particular venture. That man could play a Tourette's-riddled Nazi with rickets and make him charming.

The Best Part: As a romantic comedy, it was a very solid script. Also, Judy Greer shows up for about 15 minutes, and any Judy Greer appearance, in any movie, is a scene-stealer.

The Worst Part: Katherine Heigl.

With a different actress, this would be a B. In fact, we might've left it alone entirely. However, because it is what it is, with Heigl destroying everything, it's a C+.

(Poster and trailer © 20th Century Fox)