Gigli

Directed By: Martin Brest (Meet Joe Black, Beverly Hills Cop)
Starring: Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez, and Justin Bartha
Plot Summary: ""How are there 45 minutes of story left?" / "I don't know, since there haven't been 45 minutes of story YET."

WTF?

Gigli (Affleck) is a completely inept, low-level gangster. Known all over town as "a f***-up." His boss directs him to kidnap Brian, the mentally-retarded brother (Bartha) of a federal prosecutor, as a threat, so they can stop the big boss from going to prison. However, Gigli sucks at everything, so Ricki (Lopez) is also hired to take charge. Which begs the question, why keep messing around with Gigli in the first place? Whatever. Okay. The two watch Brian, and Gigli falls for Ricki, but Ricki's a lesbian, and nothing else really happens.

Observations Made As We Watched:
--"Jesus f***ing ballsacks, we're really watching this right now."
--"Is this Weather Channel music?"
--"Does he have chest hair, or is there something on my computer?"
--"He looks like a damn Grand Theft Auto character. Like, 'It's Vice City in this bitch!' Except Tommy Vercetti would've f***ed him up."
--"Is this a comedy? This can't be a comedy."
--"IS THAT THE DUDE FROM THE NEW NORMAL?! Oh my God, bless you, Justin Bartha, honey, why are you in this movie?"
--"Bennifer: a pop culture travesty if there ever was one."
--"I don't understand why he's mentally handicapped, story-wise. Like, is that just to get on Gigli's nerves? And, if so, can we not imply things like that about handicapped people, please?"
--"I feel like I'm delirious, like this can't be a movie."
--"Can we write George Clooney a letter about this? I know he had nothing to do with it, but he's friends with Ben, and I think he could help."
--"WE STILL HAVE AN HOUR AND 43 MINUTES LEFT?! I WANT TO BASH MY FACE INTO A WALL!"
--"Who wrote this dialogue, a potato?"
--"This is like a long car ride without a radio." / "With blacked-out windows." / "Through Indiana."
--"AL PACINO? WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"
--"I hope Matt Damon saw this and laughed in Ben's face."

"WHAT WAS THE F***ING POINT OF THAT MOVIE?"

You know, back when Sarah and I started this project, this was the one movie that made me second-guess committing to this. I thought, "God, we're going to have to watch Gigli at some point." We still weren't prepared. We spent most of this experience screaming, laughing, or crying as a result of either. It's billed as a romantic comedy, but it was neither romantic, nor funny. At all. The titular character is obnoxious, there's no plot, there are a million pointless monologues, some rando shows up for one scene and slits her wrists in Gigli's kitchen, the score is hideous, the writing is garbage, and we're pretty sure a brick wall and a cactus would have better chemistry than Ben and Jen.

Now, two very important things need to be addressed: the uses of Brian's mental handicap and Ricki's lesbianism. Both of these traits, for want of a better word, seem to only exist as foils for Gigli to overcome, which is downright offensive. Gigli spends most of his time around Brian yelling at him, and calls him names. The whole approach towards Brian -- the most charming character in the entire movie -- reeks of, "Oh, jeez, gotta babysit the retard." Really? REALLY? 

Is that supposed to be Gigli's character development? Learning to act like a human being towards Brian? It must be, since Gigli falling in love with Ricki sure as hell doesn't count. When he first questions Ricki's orientation, in the douchiest, most misogynistic way possible, he tells her how women can never really be satisfied sexually without a penis getting involved. My first thought was, "Oh, he doesn't understand oral at all, does he?" which Ricki then pointed out, and then she explained -- in a stressfully long-winded speech -- the appeal of going down on a vagina. As straight ladies, this was certainly a different perspective for Sarah and I to hear in a mainstream movie, but there were some questions:

1) Ricki's main point was that everyone, man or woman, wants to kiss someone on the lips because that's basically what a vagina looks like. Can anyone who's attracted to vaginas clear this up for us? Because neither of us equates a vagina with a mouth and wants to kiss it...
2) I call shenanigans on that being her main point, because I don't believe there's a woman on this planet, especially not a lesbian, who would wax poetic about labia for ten minutes and completely ignore the clitoris.

Anyway, Gigli's all, "Oh, you just haven't had a guy treat you right!" The fact that they run away together in the end serves to prove him right. We didn't believe their romance for a second, both because of their lack of spark and the fact that the movie presented no reasons in Gigli's character for Ricki to fall for him, other than the fact that he was there. Sure, sexuality can be fluid, but this particular display just fosters that age-old, Frustrated Straight Man Rage towards lesbians with the sexist notion that women only choose women because they never found the right man.

The Best Part: Justin Bartha, Christopher Walken, and Al Pacino are in this movie, and they're great.

The Worst Part: Everything else.

Sarah apologized multiple times for suggesting we do Gigli next. However, it had to be done, and now it never, ever, ever has to happen again.

Ben Affleck, you're an Oscar-winning writer. How could you have read this script and thought this was something you needed to be part of? Shame on you, Ben Affleck. SHAME ON YOU.

It's an F-.

Sarah: "I'm really upset about everything we just watched. I think I need to go to bed."
Jasmyn: "No! We're going to churn out this review. I don't wanna think about this movie past tonight."

(Poster and trailer © Revolution Studios)