Ella Enchanted

It must be stated, before anything else, that Sarah and I have never entered a review with this much built-in contempt. Yes, book-to-movie adaptations are tricky, since the two media are so different, but the best are able to maintain the spirit of the original story. For instance, the filmmakers of The Devil Wears Prada altered small (but key) elements of the book's characters, but recreated their snarky charm in a way that still entertained and told a fuller story on screen. As a result, The Devil Wears Prada was that rare occasion when the movie was better than the book. However... Ella Enchanted induced childhood trauma in two twentysomethings by dropping a big, fat, elephant turd on one of the best children's books of the 90s.



Directed By: Tommy O'Haver (Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss, Get Over It)
Starring: Anne Hathaway and Hugh Dancy
Plot Summary: "It's like the cabaret version of The Village."

The original story was a witty variation of "Cinderella." Ella (Hathaway), given the "gift" of obedience at birth by a wacked-out fairy (Vivica Fox, because this movie's casting director was apparently a dart board), must do whatever she's told. So, when she grows up, and her absentee father leaves her with her wicked stepmother and awful stepsisters, who very quickly discover what they can do to her, Ella decides she has to find her fairy godmother and convince her to lift the curse. Along the way, she meets Prince Charming Charmont (Dancy), and you can guess what happens from there. The book handled this wonderfully, but since the movie has ended up on Camp or Crap?, it's obviously got some problems. We'll try to leave as much of the book out of this as we can, and judge the movie on its own merits, but a lot of what's wrong with this particular adaptation is the sheer level of unnecessary crap that got thrown into it.

Observations Made As We Watched:
--"Did they put the camera on a drunk dragon?"
--"What the f*** is this outfit? Why is she dressed as a magical hooker?"
--"This seems like something that would happen on Criminal Minds."
--"Why hasn't Anne Hathaway done a real movie-musical yet?"
--"Wassup, green-screen, how are you today?"

"WHAT IS YOUR LIFE, CARY ELWES!? YOU WERE IN THE PRINCESS BRIDE AND YOU WERE ROBIN HOOD! YOU A**HOLE! WHY ARE YOU S***TING ON BEING AWESOME?!"

The above fit of hysterical rage was in reaction to the god-awful role given to Cary Elwes, formerly known as the beautiful and heroic Westley in The Princess Bride and the title character of Robin Hood: Men In Tights. The producers probably thought, "Oh yeah, get Elwes, but we'll make him the bad guy this time, like he's passing on the torch for a new crop of fantasy comedies!" WRONG, MOTHERF***ERS, YOU'RE ON NOTICE! Elwes plays Char's sinister uncle, Edgar, who wears a porn-star goatee and leers at Ella like an absolute creeper. ("Ella, meet my uncle, Rape-Face McGee.") He also walks around with a talking pet snake for no reason. Uncle Edgar didn't even exist in the books, and therefore, neither did his painfully cliche plot.

Sarah: "You'd think all princes would be wary of their uncles."
Me: "They should be. If there's a dead father, there's an attempted homicide on the horizon."

Simba, Caspian, Hamlet, Dastan... the list of marked princes goes on and on. Edgar, like all uncles in fantasy movies, wants Char dead so he can take the throne. Edgar's desire to use our heroine as the hitwoman (after he finds out about her curse) is, admittedly, a fresh twist, but the plot itself is predictable. That's why we have a gripe with this facet of the adaptation: You add an entirely new storyline to the movie, and it's not even an interesting one? The same can be said for the other additions: Instead of committing to a full-on musical, there are two songs performed, and only one of those scenes makes sense in the movie's canon. (Ella is ordered to entertain a crowd of giants by singing and dancing, and the second number is just gratuitous because the filmmakers couldn't end the movie.) The fantasy creatures are turned into oafish caricatures -- although, it must be noted that one of the elves makes fun of the idea of what an elf should be. A small plot about racism, featuring Ella's best friend, Areida (Parminder Nagra), is shrunk into two short scenes that don't carry any emotional resonance throughout the rest of the movie.

Speaking of which, there were a lot of shortcuts taken with the production, which made the movie look as though it could've been staged by a high school theatre troupe. All the costumes look cheap as hell, as if they were rounded up from Joe-Bob's Halloween Shack and the basement of a Forever 21. Plus, the green-screen is done so poorly in many places that it took us out of the movie. Come on, Miramax, what was your budget? There are renaissance fairs in the back-alley cornfields of Iowa that look more legit than this did.

The Best Part: Hathaway and Dancy were wonderful and sincere, and their chemistry glues the entire movie together. In the scene when Ella is sobbing, trying to stop herself from stabbing Char in the back with a dagger while he proposes to her, it feels like a real, tragic moment. Also, at some point, a castle worker says, "Stop tonguing the foyer!" and that's a spectacular line.

The Worst Part: The Nicolas Cage School for Campy Actors should be shut down immediately. As should the JC Penney Production Design Academy.

We give it a D+.

(Poster and trailer © Miramax Films)