Spider-Man 3

I (Jasmyn) have loved Spider-Man since I was four. Every day, I came home from kindergarten, dropped to the floor in front of the TV, and watched Spider-Man: The Animated Series on Fox Kids. Then, in middle school, when the first live-action movie was released, I saw it in theaters and was left exhilarated by how great it was. Yet, my most vivid memory of going to see Spider-Man 3 was the moment when, with the movie screen dark, I heard Robbie Coltrane growl, "It's changin' out there. There's a storm comin', Harry..." I slapped my hand over my friend Steven's mouth to halt whatever he was saying, hissed, "SHUT UP, it's Harry Potter!" and watched the trailer for Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I remember nothing else of that movie experience.



Directed By: Sam Raimi (The Evil Dead, the first two Spider-Man movies)
Starring: Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst and James Franco
Plot Summary: "So, if he's the main villain... why have we seen more of James Franco's anger?"

There is so much going on (and going wrong) in this movie that it's hard to begin. Spider-Man 3 picks up not long after the second movie left off, with Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson happily dating, while Peter continues his superhero duties with an ego the size of Texas and Mary Jane acts on stage. Harry Osborn, meanwhile, still stews in rage over his belief that Peter (who he discovered was Spider-Man in the last movie) killed his father. Plus, Flint Marko (Thomas Hayden Church), revealed to be Uncle Ben's true killer from the first movie, breaks out of prison and starts robbing banks so he can pay for medical treatments for his sickly daughter we're supposed to care about. Also, Peter's facing competition at the Daily Bugle in the form of cocky photographer Eddie Brock (Topher Grace, in one of the weirdest casting decisions since Tobey Maguire was cast as Spider-Man). And Eddie's "dating" Gwen Stacy (Bryce Dallas Howard), who kinda-sorta serves as a love interest for Peter, which is odd because she's a HELL of a lot more important to the Spider-Man canon than she appears in this movie. Oh, and we nearly forgot to mention "the symbiote," a malevolent alien goo that latches onto Peter, brings out the worst in him, and later becomes Venom when it attaches itself to Eddie.

Got all that? Sam Raimi certainly didn't.

Observations Made As We Watched:
--"Why was Gwen Stacy even here?"
--"HE THINKS YOU KILLED HIS MUFASA!"
--"Ugh, Tobey... the faces he makes..."
--"Classic Superhero Science Accident... this is kinda what happened to Dr. Manhattan." / "What is a Dr. Manhattan? Is that a tasty drink?"
--"Okay, so, following logic, there is no reason for there to be two suits. Did everyone forget he was wearing his suit when the symbiote attached? And it melded with THAT suit? SO HOW ARE THERE TWO SUITS!? Who was in charge of this f***ing continuity?!"
--"Why can't MJ ever wear a bra, though?"
--"Wait, is he gonna forget that just happened?" / "I don't know, I blocked half of this movie out."
--"Stop making constipated noises and focus."
--"Oh, hey, Stan Lee. SHUT THE F*** UP AND GET OUT OF THE MOVIE!"
--"His sand hands are gonna make pleasuring his sand penis more difficult." / "Lots more friction, though."
--"Comic book Mary Jane would've broken a chair over that bitch's head."
--"There is no context in which this is cool."
--"I kinda wish Harry would've succeeded." / "In killing Peter?" / "...Yeah."
--"It has taken an hour for any major developments to happen. It's like it's Titanic or something."
--"Stop shooting the sand monster, you f**ktard!"
--"Again, we're just not worried about continuity here. I'm pretty sure Aunt May suspected he was Spider-Man in #2, but OF COURSE there's no reason to acknowledge that at least 50 people saw Peter's face in the Spidey suit in the last one, right? You mean to tell me not a single person whipped out their camera phone for that?"

"I just... I don't understand how Venom, one of the greatest Spider-Man villains, if not THE greatest Spider-Man villain, was boiled down to this."

Here's the thing about writer-directors: At some point, there needs to be a checks-and-balances system in place, or else the creative power gets completely out of control. Spider-Man and its sequel were marvelous, well-paced, focused films (directed by Raimi but written by others). Sure, they had their goofy moments, which came with the quippy nature of Spidey's character and Raimi's own bizarre sense of humor. But those moments were actually funny. The "Go, web, go!" and "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head" scenes from those movies were clever, sincere and realistic, and we could laugh at the situations and understand what Peter was going through. But the disco-dancing, freestyle jazz tango s**tshow that goes down near the middle of Spider-Man 3 was inexcusable, over the top, and just made us cringe. Plus, are we supposed to believe that THAT'S what "Evil" Peter does? Stops washing his hair in favor of emo bangs to show his darkness, performs some kind of crotch-thrusting rooster strut from a rejected Saturday Night Fever choreographer, and then starts throwing chairs and s*** in jazz restaurants? Real sinister, Peter. His one truly dark moment is the goblin-bomb incident with Harry after he ends Peter's relationship with Mary Jane, and sadly, that moment has already been overshadowed by inappropriate disco f**kery, from which nothing can return.

This script should've been halted from the get-go. It quite obviously suffered from what we're calling Trilogy Syndrome, as demonstrated by the X-Men and Chronicles of Narnia franchises, among countless others: The first movie captures the spark, or why the franchise resonates. The second movie goes bigger while still maintaining what the series is about. And then the third undergoes a "change in management," stumbles and clusterf**ks all over the place, adds an absurd level of unnecessary characters to "expand the universe," and becomes more shallow and missable through sheer lack of focus, so that fans must forcibly ignore the fact that the third movie even happened. (Hey, Batman fans... you better hope Chris Nolan keeps his wits about him.) We must ask... why were three major villains in this movie? Sandman is supposed to be a big deal. New Goblin is supposed to be a big deal. And Venom, who only gets about fifteen minutes of screentime, seems to have been thrown in as a dessert when he should've been the main entree.

The Best Part: Harry Osborn was the only character we vaguely rooted for, and even though some wholly unnecessary amnesia thing was thrown in the middle of his storyline, his personal conflicts with Peter and vindication in the final act did more for the poster's tagline than anything else in this movie did. Peter was a super-awkward creeper, Mary Jane was just sad the whole time, and nobody else had a point. Harry gets MVP for this one.

The Worst Part: Everything was all over the place, and the "Dark Peter" situation was laughable. In a movie that was supposed to be about "the battle within," the filmmakers sure went out of their way to supply viewers with a million external battles and be as sentimental and non-psychological as they could. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix did it better.

We give Spider-Man 3 a hearty D-.

(Poster and trailer © Sony Pictures Entertainment)