Abduction

That's pretty much all there is to it.

Directed By: John Singleton (2 Fast 2 Furious, Four Brothers)
Starring: Taylor Lautner, Lily Collins, and Alfred Molina
Plot Summary: "This movie was not made for people who have any sort of thought process other than, 'Oh, the pictures are moving!'"

High school senior Nathan (Lautner) lives a pretty comfortable, douchey life. He's a wrestling stud (I've never seen a real high school that gave a crap about wrestling, but whatever), his best friend Token Black Kid makes foolproof fake IDs, and he and all his cohorts live in sick houses with Iron Chef kitchens. But wait! Life is not perfect in affluent suburbia, because Nathan doesn't feel like he belongs. One night while working on a school project with his "randomly assigned" partner, who happens to be his lifelong crush, Karen, the duo discovers, completely by chance, that Nathan isn't who he thinks he is. All the adults in Nathan's life are in on it. Of course, this means s*** violently hits the fan, with Nathan's "parents" (Maria Bello and Jason Issacs) as cold-blooded casualties. Nathan and Karen are now on the run from the CIA.

Observations Made As We Watched:
--"No. He did NOT make it to school on the hood of a car. False."
--"Jason Issacs is in this? AND Sigourney Weaver, what the f***?!"
--"Jasmyn, every time we watch an exceptionally bad movie, I miss Twilight so much." / "Eww, hold your tongue."
--"PUNCH HIM IN THE JEANS!"
--"Hmm, maybe you shouldn't date guys who are gonna be booked on assault charges just because another guy looked at you."
--"What did Jason's agent tell him to get him to do this movie?" / "Probably, 'You get to beat the s*** out of Jacob the Werewolf, you want in?'"
--"We should treasure this moment while it lasts, because I think this is the last time we're going to enjoy anything in this movie."
--"Power Rangers spin-kick! HI-YAAAHHHH!" 
--"Put that swag away. You don't deserve all that swag."
--"You will not find a girl in college who looks like Lily Collins, bro. YOU WON'T."
--"High school boy on a motorcycle wearing aviators. Looks like a priiiick."
--"Why the f*** does Taylor Lautner walk like that? I realize he's swole, but the constipation has got to stop."
--"I hate so much about the things this movie chooses to be."
--"There's a bomb in the oven? Who put a bomb in the oven? WHO PUT A BOMB IN THE OVEN, WHEN WAS THERE TIME FOR THAT?"
--"I could fill in for Lily. I'd put a sweater over Taylor's face and just sleep on his body."
--"Dude, have you never watched a movie? You don't go to the police!"
--"ALFRED MOLINA IS HERE, THIS JUST GOT F***ING SERIOUS!"
--"I'm glad she put her hair up. We can't have all that flowing around for somebody to grab like she's a hooker who didn't pay somebody back."
--"How did the token black kid get there? Black Friend, you are in danger! BLACK FRIEND, YOU ARE GOING TO DIE!"

"That is a hilariously specific and improbable plot device."

This movie gets brownie points for not being 100% action sequences. We appreciate the fact that the action was used as sparingly as it could have been, to keep things heightened and illuminate the exceptionally thin emotional thread present. That being said, Abduction suffers from the usual action movie failing that is Lack Of Story. Near the beginning, during a visit with Nathan's therapist, Dr. Bennett (Sigourney Weaver), we learn that Nathan has rage issues. We expected, because of the setup, that this was something Nathan would have to work through over the course of the movie. Yet we saw no indication in Nathan's character that he was inappropriately angry. In fact, he was relatively calm, for the circumstances, so there was no point to that. At the end of the movie, Nathan, Karen and everyone else were the same as they were at the beginning, except a lot of people had been shot.

The Best Part: At the beginning, after Nathan makes a drunken ass of himself at a party, his dad, Kevin, takes him home and boxes with him (read: kicks his ass) to teach him some lessons. This is a regular thing for them. We later realize that all the sparring Kevin did with Nathan was to keep him sharply trained in combat, for the day Nathan needed to use it against the bad guys who would inevitably come for him. Even before we knew Kevin's odd brand of parenting had context, we enjoyed the hell out of the scene.

After Nathan's parents are killed, and he and Karen realize the CIA is after them, Dr. Bennett helps them escape. Nathan's in tears, justifiably freaking out. Here, Dr. Bennett gets the best line in the whole movie: "I know you need time to deal with this emotionally, but right now, you need to get your s*** together."

Plus, we were treated to a wonderfully offhanded line delivery from the eastern European villain, as he watched baseball: "I don't understand the game, but I like popcorn."

The Worst Part: That nagging absence of character development.

We've got to give it to everyone involved: this is not a good movie, but we could tell they were trying, and did the best with what they had. We didn't even mind Taylor Lautner, and we've got a lot of biases about Taylor Lautner. However, a superficial script is a superficial script, and there's no getting around that. We give Abduction a C-.

(Poster and trailer © Lions Gate Entertainment)