December Boys

It's been about two weeks since our last review, and we're sorry about that, but the back-to-back atrocities of Catwoman and Glitter scarred us a bit and we needed a break.

Anyway, we first attempted to watch this movie three years ago. Less than 45 minutes into it, we pressed fast-forward. And we left it that way, finishing the entire remaining hour on high-speed. Unfortunately, for the review's sake, we were forced to sit through it this time.



Directed By: Rod Hardy (Robinson Crusoe)
Starring: Daniel Radcliffe, Lee Cormie, James Fraser and Christian Byers
Plot Summary: "They knew exactly why we'd watch this movie in the first place, so they put him in the tightest clothes possible."

Misty, Spit, Sparks and Maps are four Australian orphans (and we use the term "Australian" loosely, because of consistency issues with Daniel's accent) known as the "December Boys." The older they get, the more the boys lose hope of ever being adopted. Because it is their birthday month, the orphanage sends them on holiday, and they stay with a childless couple looking to adopt. The catch is that the couple will only adopt one of them. This beginning would seem to set up a dramatic competition amongst the four friends, wouldn't it? Well, it doesn't.

Observations Made As We Watched:
--"I like the nuns!"
--"I'm bored."
--"Why are they wearing orange booty shorts?"
--"Pro tip: Don't take cigarettes a girl pulls out of her crotch."
--"This movie would be better with magic."

"Every moment we spend away from Daniel is a wasted moment in this movie."

The unfortunate thing about this movie is really a core issue with the script. All four of them want to be adopted, even Maps (Daniel), who is at least four years older and shuns the idea of parents because he knows his adoption won't happen. After all, how many couples want to adopt 16-year-olds? The problem with this movie is the fact that there is no battle for the couple's affection. The boys want parents, but they seem just fine without them and don't try very hard to be the chosen one. Misty, the retrospective narrator, tries to be the sweetest child he can be, but that's it. There's no fight, and therefore nothing at stake. Especially considering that in the end, the couple doesn't adopt any of them.

We think the filmmakers knew this. That's why they pushed this as Daniel's movie. Look back at the poster. You would think he's the main character, but he isn't. Misty, the little boy trailing behind the crazy blonde chick and narrating half the movie, is the main character. However, since nothing happens in this movie until the last half hour, when Maps has an emotional breakdown, the filmmakers decided to play up the guy who must have earned them their funding and US distribution. Fun Fact: The DVD begins with a trailer for Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, a movie so unrelated to December Boys that it's obvious the producers knew there was no other reason people would go out of their way to see it. We must admit, that logic was right on the nose; We only bothered with this because of Daniel Radcliffe. After all, he's the only reason anyone on this side of the pond has even heard of it.

The Best Part: Either Daniel's wardrobe or Daniel's body, even if that body's only 5'6". It's a 1950s/1960s period piece, so he's running around the Australian sand dunes in tight jeans and a tight red t-shirt. We pressed "rewind" on this particular entrance three times, especially since there's no reason for his nipples to be that hard in that climate:


The Worst Part: Other than the fact that nothing happens, we had no idea what was going on with the characters who weren't the December Boys. There was this thing about a giant fish and another thing about an old woman with cancer or something. There was also a funny bit with cartwheeling nuns, but it didn't accomplish anything. Shrug.

We see what the filmmakers were trying to do, but this movie goes the way of many quiet indie movies and doesn't give much thought to plot. They really had great intentions, and if they had tried harder to show some kind of conflict amongst the boys, they could've had something. So, we give it a C.

(Poster and trailer © Warner Bros. Entertainment)