Pearl Harbor

We really must apologize. Sarah and I are students, after all, and there was so much to say about the last two movies we watched (in this post and the next), that we couldn't fit them into No-Time-For-Breathing November.

That being said, we're not sure where to begin.



Directed By: Michael Bay (Armageddon, Transformers)
Starring: Ben Affleck, Kate Beckinsale and Josh Hartnett
Plot Summary: "You know they don't blow up the harbor 'til an hour and a half into it, right?"

Michael Bay, who is the James Cameron of Dumb S***, spared no expense with this one. This man has never met a movie he didn't want to turn into a string of sentimental, 15-second action sequences. Our personal biases against Ben Affleck notwithstanding, there's something about this kind of movie epic that destroys actors' talents. Maybe it's the "Hey, this sounds meaningful" dialogue, or Bay's idea that spinning a camera on a dolly around two actors and a lens flare will create an intimate moment. In any case, nothing about this movie felt sincere, and most confusing of all, what could've been patriotically stirring was just boring as hell.

Observations Made As We Watched:
--"Movies that start with young versions of the actors tend to suck."
--"Oh, the music... oh no... oh NO!"
--"The Japanese should've bombed the s***out of this movie."
--"WHYYYYY?!"

"ARE YOU SERIOUS?! IN DIGITAL FORMAT, WE HAVEN'T MOVED PAST INTER-F***ING-MISSION?!"

Pearl Harbor takes up two DVDs because it is three hours long. Three hours and three minutes, to be precise. Don't be fooled into thinking that the filmmakers spent that first hour building up meaningful emotional tension, because they didn't. In the way that the first two hours of Titanic left me praying the ship would "just sink already" when I first saw it, we were more interested in watching the Japanese accomplish their mission than in watching childhood friends Rafe (Affleck) and Danny (Hartnett) take turns with nurse Evelyn (Beckinsale). It was one of the most boring movies we've seen yet, which was made worse by its length. And how the hell did the man responsible for making a yellow Camaro's taste in music interesting make THE BOMBING OF PEARL HARBOR boring to watch?! We sat there incredulous, asking ourselves aloud, "Why isn't this part exciting? Why don't we care right now?"

The answer lies in the tone. Bay took the sympathetic approach to this "day which will live in infamy," resulting in a completely indifferent depiction of the event. The way the bombing was shown, slowly and all over the place with random characters from anywhere, made it seem more like some unfortunate circumstance. Most war movies take a stance, and while this may not be the most accurate way to retell those kinds of events, it is the way that makes war personal. For storytelling purposes, whenever war isn't personal, it struggles to make a real impact. For example: Anyone else remember learning about the previous World War in history class? Do you remember anything about it other than Franz Ferdinand? Do you only remember Franz Ferdinand because of the band? Exactly.

Plus, the movie completely ignores the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, and oh-so-conveniently ends with the Doolittle Raid instead, leaving the atomic madness in the near future. Japan's actions against us certainly didn't add up to that horrifying tragedy, especially when you consider the non-brutal way this movie depicts them. We're not saying the Japanese characters should have been vilified, because they shouldn't, but Bay's usually blunt obsession with patriotism was shockingly vague here. We wonder how he would have justified America's actions in film form, if he could.

The Best Part: Ben Affleck broke his own nose by hitting himself in the face with a wine cork. Also, Alec Baldwin was here.

The Worst Part: The other two and a half hours.

We give it a D.

(Poster and trailer © Touchstone Pictures)