Glitter

We don't even know where to begin.



Directed By: Vondie Curtis Hall (The Starter Wife, Boston Legal)
Starring: Mariah Carey and Max Beesley
Plot Summary: "THERE'S SLOW-MO FOR NO REASON!"

This is easily the worst movie we've ever seen. Easily. We can't even describe it. The acting is so atrocious that you can clearly see Mariah thinking, "I'm supposed to look sad here. Oh, I'm supposed to think this part is funny. Is this my 'conflicted' face?"

Observations Made As We Watched:
--"I think Mini-Mariah is going to be better than real Mariah, but I doubt she's sticking around."
--"What is this leopard pimp motif?"
--"S***, I'm glad we missed the 80s."
--"What is Terrence Howard doing here?"
--"I wonder who went to the movies to see this. Like... I want the list."

"I never... ever... want to do this again."

Nothing happened. Nothing happened for at least an hour and twenty minutes of the movie (which was an hour and forty minutes long). The movie had a beginning and an end, but no middle, like a hamburger with no meat and only buns. Plus, Billie's (Mariah's) absent mother was referenced in the very start, in some random part in the middle, and at the end when she found her again. There was no "I'm looking for my mother" arc, and Billie was one of the most passive main characters we've seen in awhile. She didn't make anything happen at all, and when things happened to her, she seemed ambivalent at best and annoyed at worst.

The Best Part: There was an adorable orange kitten (which, unfortunately, grew up to be a really mangy cat). And, as we said, young Mariah (played by Isabel Gomes) was better than grown-up Mariah.

The Worst Part: No plot, bad acting, terrible versions of 80s music... It was so collectively bad that we're not sure which one takes the cake.

We're still shuddering. It's the worst movie either of us have ever seen in our entire lives and we give it an F-.

(Glitter poster and trailer © 20th Century Fox Film Corporation)