Speed Racer

Speed Racer is the first movie we've reviewed for our baby blog that neither of us had seen before. Sarah remembers watching the show when she was little, but my only knowledge of it came from a hilarious Geico commercial that came out four years ago. When I first saw the trailer for this movie, I was really psyched and was dying to see it... and then the reviews came in.



Directed By: The Wachowskis (The Matrix, V For Vendetta)
Starring: Emile Hirsch, John Goodman and Christina Ricci
Plot Summary: "There's some kind of color orgasm going on here."

The first thing to notice about this movie is the fact that Owen Paterson, the production designer, must have been on acid. There were moments, especially during the final race, which we are now referring to as Rainbow Road, when our eyes literally hurt from watching it. Before we started, Sarah even asked, "I have a headache, is this going to give me a seizure?" That being said, the visuals save the movie, because it is a cool-looking movie. The colors are so bright, and there are SO MANY OF THEM, that you almost forget there's no story.

Observations Made As We Watched:
--"Is that his NAME? Speed Racer is actually his NAME?!"
--"Do you feel like we're playing Mario Kart? Because I feel like we're playing Mario Kart."
--"I SERIOUSLY LOVE HIS HAIR!"
--"This could be futuristic London... or Tokyo... or it could be like, a thousand Times Squares... Where ARE we?!"
--"John Goodman needs a better bra."

"This ISN'T how cars work. They'd be dead a bazillion times over. Deadity-dead-dead."

There is a whole lot of Unnecessary in this movie. There is a pet chimp (named Chim-Chim, of course) who THROWS POO at an enemy's face. There are kung-fu ninjas. One of them has throwing stars but doesn't use them, and instead, accidentally catapults them into the wall NEXT TO Speed's head while his father, who apparently is a wrestling veteran (according to the random class ring they inserted into the shot), spins the aforementioned ninja over his head. The movie is over two hours long, and 90% of it was either a car race or a fight scene. Not to mention the fact that everyone knows kung fu. When the f*** did Speed Racer learn kung fu? All he wants to do is RACE, damn it!

The backstory is not interesting enough to drive Speed's need to race all the time. They talk about how Speed loves the art of racing and doesn't care about winning, but at no point does Speed ever explain what he loves about racing. In Almost Famous, the lead singer of Stillwater explains what he loves about performing (the "buzz"). In The Princess and the Frog, Tiana's father, an aspiring restauranteur, explains how food brings people together. Hell, even in Sweeney Todd, the deranged barber sings an ode to his razors. Passion is passion, and even though it's the kind of thing that should go without saying, we still don't understand Speed's obsession. "It's in my blood" is a really vague statement.

The Best Part: Aside from Emile Hirsch's hair, there is a moment during the final race when the Wachowskis decide to push the PG rating. Speed, having some kind of manic freakout breakdown, screams, "GET THAT WEAK S*** OFF MY TRACK!" to his competitor, Cannonball Taylor. I screamed "YES!!!"

The Worst Part: Yes, it's a racing movie. But there was too much racing and not enough story. The only reason we pulled for Speed at any point was Emile Hirsch, thankfully, acting his heart out. Sarah counted, and there were 7-8 races in this movie. By the time we got to Rainbow Road, it was too much. Too much motion, too many lasers... We closed our eyes because our faces hurt. THERE WERE THAT MANY COLORS. In 3D, this movie would most certainly kill people.

Also, there was a character named Inspector Detector. Inspector Detector. Seriously.

It's not a good movie, but in the grand scheme of bad (cough--THE FOG--cough), it's not terrible. It almost reaches a level of mediocrity that saves it from the worst ratings. So, we give Speed Racer a C+.

"It was like a rainbow threw up on you." --Sarah

PS: We couldn't believe the names of the characters in this movie, so we looked up Spritle (Speed's little brother) and found this photo from the original cartoon:

Sarah asked, "Why does it look like he's being molested by a priest?"

We'll leave you with that. All answers can be sent to camporcrap@gmail.com.

(Poster and trailer © Warner Bros. Entertainment, Inc.)