Charlie's Angels

Personal biases to get out of the way: 1) This is a movie based on a 1970s television show, and that rarely, if ever, pans out well. 2) Sarah has an intense dislike for Cameron Diaz.



Directed By: McG (Terminator Salvation, We Are Marshall)
Starring: Drew Barrymore, Lucy Liu and Cameron Diaz
Plot Summary: "If some girl is telling you she learned all about bombs from the Internet, maybe you should rethink your relationship."

Dylan, Alex, and Natalie (Barrymore, Liu, and Diaz, respectively) are Charlie's Angels, an elite trio of secret agents. They work for a mysterious, unseen benefactor who delivers their assignments through his right-hand-man, Bosley (an adorable Bill Murray), via a speaker in Bosley's apartment. The Angels have been tasked with recovering Eric Knox (Sam Rockwell), a kidnapped software engineer whose technology would end privacy and international security as we know it. BUT WAIT! Knox and his partner, Vivian (Kelly Lynch), aren't the victims at all! In a surprisingly well-thought out plot, they (with the help of their personal assassin, Creepy Thin Man, "played" by Crispin Glover) are just using the Angels to gain access to a another company's tracking software. Knox also thinks Charlie killed his father when they were in Vietnam, so guess who he's trying to trace?

Observations Made As We Watched:
--"Aww, remember when she was with Tom Green?" / "Remember how Tom Green had ball surgery on MTV?"
--"Who is this She-Hulk woman who sounds like a man?" / "Looks like a man, too. S***, that's a severe face."
--"Oh, this is back when palm pilots were a thing."
--"Really? 'Independent Women' playing over a scene featuring fast food and Lucy's ass?" / "Are they independent because they can afford fast food? I ate a burger off the dollar menu today and I'm broke as s***."
--"Crispin Glover will never not be creepy. Has he said anything in this movie, or just laughed and screamed?"
--"I always forget Luke Wilson's face." / "But how can you forget that jaw?"
--"TAKE A SHOT WHENEVER AN ANGEL FLIPS HER HAIR!"
--"Yes, send the efficient Asian to be the dominatrix stand-in."
--"God damn, I love Sam Rockwell."
--"Bosley, check for a penis!"
--"Okay, I've seen at least three movies where a crowd of black people screams, 'Go, white girl!' or 'Go, white boy!' at someone, and I can tell you, that does NOT happen."
--"YOU CAN'T THROW A DOOR LIKE THAT!"
--"I assure you, those wires would not be labeled 'Primary Flight Control Circuits.'"

"I have to say, men look like idiots in this movie, and I'm enjoying that. Because you KNOW this s*** would work. I've done it."

About 98% of action movies feature some piece of female eye candy who closes her eyes and shrieks when she's supposed to be aiming and shooting a gun. If she accomplishes anything, the hero's still got to save her at the last minute from the bad guy using her as collateral. In a refreshing take, Charlie's Angels celebrates the fact that our heroines are women as they take out clueless man after clueless man. At several points throughout the movie, the Angels use their feminine assets to get undercover: a geisha-like masseuse renders an executive unconscious in order to get an important key from his belongings. Belly dancers distract security personnel in an exotic bar while another dancer steals his fingerprints. An absurdly flirty pit-stop worker keeps a driver preoccupied in his own car, while another breaks into the trunk to plant a bug.

Sometimes, the Angels physically beat men like they stole something. (Sarah loves the trio's first, high-octane fight with Creepy Thin Man, and I love when Natalie kicks the absolute s*** out of a hitman who attacks her in a bathroom.) Other times require the soft approach, and they're owning it in either case. People say that if you want to deal with a man, you've got to meet him on his level, but what does that really mean? Fight like a man because being a woman isn't worth anything? Oh, please. "Fighting fire with fire" has never made any sense. When's the last time you saw a firefighter run into a burning building with a flamethrower?

That being said, while the Angels are very clever and good at what they do, it's odd that they're at their most efficient when manipulating men with sex. Personally, I think that fact raises a question more insulting to the location of men's brains than it is to women, but it's still something to think about. They are far more than beautiful women who look good in skintight clothing, so does this cheapen their other abilities? Plus, Jason (Matt LeBlanc), Alex's boyfriend, spends most of the movie thinking she's a bikini waxer, of all things, which is already a sexually-connotated occupation. She couldn't have said she was anything else? His disappointment at discovering that she's not a bikini waxer is not because she lied to him, but because he had thought it was so hot. That says a lot.

The Best Part: Crispin Glover, the eternal freakshow, is perfect in his rather memorable role as Creepy Thin Man. No, the character does not have a name. The Angels call him Creepy Thin Man, so Creepy Thin Man it is, and giving him a name would not have made him any less of a skinny creeper. Glover has made his career being weird -- not "Who's that girl? It's Jess!" weird, but "I've been a storyline on on Criminal Minds" weird -- and this is no exception. After ripping out some of Dylan's hair during their first encounter, he holds onto it, then runs the keepsake over his face and smells it a couple times. The same thing happens in their final meeting, when Alex is the one to lose a lock. What else could they have called him, anyway?

The Worst Part: The opening, a classic Bond-movie intro in its complete non-relation to the rest of the plot, is totally ridiculous. LL Cool J pulling off his own face to reveal that he's a disguise for Drew Barrymore is jarring, to put it lightly. The movie walks a fine line of self-referential, early 2000s camp, but that crosses it.

Charlie's Angels gets a solid B. If nothing else, it's a fun action movie with women who don't suck and have a sense of humor, and it raised a really great feminism debate between Sarah and I.

We'll leave you with the terrible video for Destiny's Child's "Independent Women, Part 1," the movie's promotional theme song. Enjoy!



Jasmyn: "I remember when this song came out. All us 11-year-olds singing, 'All the women who independent!' Cut to: 'MOM, CAN I HAVE $20 DOLLARS?!'"

(Poster and trailer © Columbia Pictures)