300

That's the entire story.



Directed By: Zack Snyder (Watchmen, Sucker Punch)
Starring: Gerard Butler, Lena Headey and David Wenham
Plot Summary: "I can't believe how long this movie is. It clearly doesn't have enough story for two hours."

Observations Made As We Watched:
--"Are we pretending this weird, slightly Asian-looking kid grows up to look like Gerard Butler?" / "This dude looks like the Last Airbender."
--"Did they just quote Galaxy Quest?"
--"I don't think Hollywood filmmakers have a grasp of what Persia was."
--"Who's narrating?" / "Faramir from Lord of the Rings."
--"Gerard, I like you so much better with your real accent. Because that is auditory sex."
--"Geography and physics are lost on whoever made this movie." / "Psh, Zack Snyder doesn't do physics."
--"Why do all these dudes have herpes of the face?"
--"Wait a f***ing minute, MICHAEL FASSBENDER'S IN THIS MOVIE?!"
--"Whatever effects they used on her boobs make them look like part of a novelty t-shirt."
--"Was that goat playing the guitar?"
--"I wish Orlando Bloom was in this movie." / "Oh my God, yes! That's what this needs! Orlando Bloom staring at nothing!"

"These battles are either like a lame video game or a really weird dream."

If anyone expected this movie to be historically accurate, we'd venture a guess that they were disappointed. Sofia Coppola's Marie Antoinette would even win that argument. However, since it's easy to forget about logic, physics, geography and history in a Zack Snyder movie, we might be able to let that slide. Snyder's got a death grip on how to heighten reality to the point that "reality" becomes a loose term (for reference, please see: ANY OF HIS OTHER MOVIES). All the shirtless men had their abs digitally enhanced, which is one of the more ridiculous uses of CGI we've seen in awhile. Have Butler and Fassbender ever needed help in the ripped-and-sexy department? Does Lena Headey's cleavage need contouring? If your answer to either of those questions is, "Why not?" then let us know when you want us to review whatever horrendous movie you just wrote.

That's the big question at work here: "Why not?" Why not transform Xerxes into a ten-foot-tall transvestite with some sort of thyroid disorder? Why not throw Persian orgies with fauns? Why not make the Spartan traitor a deformed hunchback? (People with birth defects are rage-filled invalids who can't be trusted, right?) Why not depict the bad guys as Africans and other darker-skinned people than the Spartans, yet again, since that's how Hollywood copes with evildoers? Why not send Leonidas into a suicide battle against an army THIRTY-THREE times larger than his own for no reason other than being remembered?

Oh? What's that? Being slaughtered mercilessly so people can make incomprehensible movies about you doesn't win the war? YOU DON'T F***ING SAY?

The Best Part: Queen Gorgo, played by Lena Headey, was strong and intelligent, and although the Spartan society around her saw her the same way they'd see any individual with two X chromosomes, she commanded respect. Her relationship with Leonidas, who treated her as his equal, was easily the best dynamic. Plus, visually-speaking, this movie is gorgeous.

The Worst Part: This "death for glory" bulls*** is not enough motive to drive a real-life fight, let alone a two-hour movie. It's just not.

We give 300 a C. It's not as bad as either of us remembered it, but it still failed to be enjoyable in any particular way.

Fun Fact: Most of the swords and shields used in this movie were recycled from the sets of Troy and Alexander. Explains a lot about this production, doesn't it?

(Poster and trailer © Warner Bros. Entertainment)