The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

We had to keep going. We had to.

(To see where it all started, and then where it got worse, take a trip down memory lane with our reactions to Twilight and New Moon.)

We're going to give you both trailers, because they represent two very different movies that have been mashed into one:




Directed By: David Slade (Hard Candy, 30 Days of Night)
Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner
Plot Summary: "Oh, it's just a fantastic battle of wits on top of Mt. Dumbass."

In case you're lucky enough to have never heard of Team Edward and Team Jacob, be aware that Bella Swan's stuck in the middle of the stupidest love triangle since a guitar and a turkey sub fought over Elvis Presley. Jacob, the obnoxious werewolf, loves Bella and wants her to choose him over Edward, her emo vampire boyfriend. "It's Edward. It's always been Edward," Bella told him in the last movie, but here he is, spraying the walls with testosterone and making idiotic macho comments as often as he can. Edward's pretty chill in this one, since New Moon's Italian Suicide Extravaganza didn't turn out well for anyone, and he can't really focus on Jacob at the moment. Edward's preoccupied with worry over the army that's coming to brutally revenge-murder his entire family, with Bella at the center of the carnage, for the killing of Crazy Victoria's mate from the first movie.

Observations Made As We Watched:
--"He is rather pretty when he sparkles... Let's call him Sunshine Sparkle. No, wait, is that a My Little Pony?"
--"Jacob gets really rapey in this movie."
--"Is the divorce rate lower between vampire/human couples because they just kill the human if they want a divorce?"
--"Edward looks psychotic in this scene. Real f***ing crazy."
--"I'm still wondering how the hell Charlie let her go out with Edward again. I mean, I realize nothing would've stopped her, if he'd said she couldn't date Edward. But... wow, Charlie. He's a cop, where's his goddamn authority?"
--"Emmett needs to calm down. Or die, I don't care either way."
--"Seriously, Jacob, put some clothes on, you are being indecent!"
--"I wish Wolverine would just come in and end this."
--"What is this Evian water bottle scenery?"
--"Bulls***, Jacob didn't make that charm for her, he bought it at the casino." / "...Okay, we're gonna pretend that insane racism didn't just happen."
--"BELLA, YOU ARE CLUMSY AND STUPID AND HAVE NO PURPOSE IN A FIGHT AMONG MYTHICAL CREATURES!"
--"Yes, Jacob, you do make her nervous. Because rapists make people nervous. You are not special."
--"To Bella, 'Edward is old-school' means, 'I'm horny as f*** all the time, but my vampire boyfriend is a vegetarian so he won't put meat in my taco.'"

"Okay, this is weird, but I think vampire fangs are attractive. I wish Edward had them, but that's also because I wish he were more frightening as a vampire."

Oddly enough, three movies in, we've never addressed the problem of Edward's physicality. He's so delicate-looking. In the words of Robert Pattinson himself, "How scary could ths guy be? He's got lipstick and a little bouffant... He rolls up in a Volvo in his customized peacoat... Never trust a guy who waxes his eyebrows." Bella's more butch than Edward is, frankly, but since her fragility is the center of this entire saga, she won't be of any use. And wasn't that the point of the first two movies? That Bella was in danger because she was around Edward, because Edward couldn't quite control himself around her? That he could kill her at any moment if he slipped up? Wasn't that why this whole "forbidden love" thing was supposed to be interesting? Wasn't that why Jacob was supposed to be a viable alternative? Edward's lack of menace means there's less at stake than there's supposed to be, and although we're now past that point, story-wise, it would've made the whole series better. We didn't see him try to kill his girlfriend nearly as much as we should have, and we're not just saying that because we can't stand Bella.

We have to admit: We refuse to bother with the rest of the series, but we did read Midnight Sun, Stephenie Meyer's fanfiction alternate version of the first book, written from Edward's point of view. It contains a very long internal monologue where Edward plots, in graphic detail, how to murder Bella and everyone else in their biology classroom because he's completely overcome with the scent of her blood. It's pure, violent insanity (though normal for a vampire), and as odd as it sounds, that dynamic has always been the best part of this whole clusterf***. It's no different here: as noted in the second trailer, above, everything comes to a head with a battle during the final act of the movie. The brawl between the newborn vampire army and the Cullens/Quilieutes -- plus, Edward's final showdown with Victoria -- finally lends some action to this bad romance. Without it, it's just more angst and obsession all over again.

The Best Part: Jasper and Rosalie, Edward's adoptive siblings, who tried to kill Bella over a papercut and generally dislike her, respectively, finally tell their pre-Cullen backstories. Jasper, a Confederate soldier in the Civil War, was turned into a vampire by a manipulative woman much like Victoria, and used as a bloodthirsty killing machine until Alice found him. Rosalie was gang-raped by her fiance and his friends and left to die; Dr. Cullen found her and turned her in order to save her life. Then Rosalie, who has always hated being a vampire, threw a homicide party until every one of her attackers was dead, saving her fiance for last so he'd know she was coming. This context for each of their characters was quite welcome. Jasper's always been the most dangerous Cullen (his desire to bite Bella's face off has been noted, then demonstrated, in the past two movies), and although we agree with Rosalie's dislike of Bella, it was good to hear why: Rosalie, who has always wanted children and a family to grow old with, envies Bella's humanity, and she can't believe Bella would choose to be a monster, frozen in time and never moving forward with life.

The Worst Part: (Obviously, the continuing love triangle, AKA what the entire story is about, but that goes without saying at this point.) Kristen Stewart cut and dyed her hair to play Joan Jett in The Runaways, but for some reason, no one seemed to put decent wigs in the movie budget for Eclipse. You'd think they'd learn from Taylor Lautner's wretched wigs in the first 1.5 movies, or from Jackson Rathbone's (Jasper's) poodle-esque hair failures up until this point. Actually, scratch that. Nearly EVERYONE who is not wearing their natural hair in these movies has had to endure some kind of mousse-crazy lacefront hairline fiasco. Here are the two worst victims, K. Stew and Peter Facinelli (Dr. Cullen), with their real hair from the first movie and the dead possums glued to their heads for Eclipse:

(Guuuuuuuuurrrrl...)

(Come on, y'all, Carlisle has been a wealthy doctor for centuries.
Stop making him look like he's being groomed in a drive-thru window at Supercuts.)

Overall, Eclipse is not that bad. The action half does a good job evening out the romantic angst, and even those parts are kind of hilarious this time around. (Especially the scene where Edward flips a s*** after Bella breaks her hand punching Jacob in the face, because Jacob missed "No Means No" Day in health class and force-kissed her.) We give it a B+.

PS: Is anyone sure they didn't just take Jacob's old wig and recycle it?

(Poster and trailer © Summit Entertainment)