Abduction

That's pretty much all there is to it.

Directed By: John Singleton (2 Fast 2 Furious, Four Brothers)
Starring: Taylor Lautner, Lily Collins, and Alfred Molina
Plot Summary: "This movie was not made for people who have any sort of thought process other than, 'Oh, the pictures are moving!'"

High school senior Nathan (Lautner) lives a pretty comfortable, douchey life. He's a wrestling stud (I've never seen a real high school that gave a crap about wrestling, but whatever), his best friend Token Black Kid makes foolproof fake IDs, and he and all his cohorts live in sick houses with Iron Chef kitchens. But wait! Life is not perfect in affluent suburbia, because Nathan doesn't feel like he belongs. One night while working on a school project with his "randomly assigned" partner, who happens to be his lifelong crush, Karen, the duo discovers, completely by chance, that Nathan isn't who he thinks he is. All the adults in Nathan's life are in on it. Of course, this means s*** violently hits the fan, with Nathan's "parents" (Maria Bello and Jason Issacs) as cold-blooded casualties. Nathan and Karen are now on the run from the CIA.

Observations Made As We Watched:
--"No. He did NOT make it to school on the hood of a car. False."
--"Jason Issacs is in this? AND Sigourney Weaver, what the f***?!"
--"Jasmyn, every time we watch an exceptionally bad movie, I miss Twilight so much." / "Eww, hold your tongue."
--"PUNCH HIM IN THE JEANS!"
--"Hmm, maybe you shouldn't date guys who are gonna be booked on assault charges just because another guy looked at you."
--"What did Jason's agent tell him to get him to do this movie?" / "Probably, 'You get to beat the s*** out of Jacob the Werewolf, you want in?'"
--"We should treasure this moment while it lasts, because I think this is the last time we're going to enjoy anything in this movie."
--"Power Rangers spin-kick! HI-YAAAHHHH!" 
--"Put that swag away. You don't deserve all that swag."
--"You will not find a girl in college who looks like Lily Collins, bro. YOU WON'T."
--"High school boy on a motorcycle wearing aviators. Looks like a priiiick."
--"Why the f*** does Taylor Lautner walk like that? I realize he's swole, but the constipation has got to stop."
--"I hate so much about the things this movie chooses to be."
--"There's a bomb in the oven? Who put a bomb in the oven? WHO PUT A BOMB IN THE OVEN, WHEN WAS THERE TIME FOR THAT?"
--"I could fill in for Lily. I'd put a sweater over Taylor's face and just sleep on his body."
--"Dude, have you never watched a movie? You don't go to the police!"
--"ALFRED MOLINA IS HERE, THIS JUST GOT F***ING SERIOUS!"
--"I'm glad she put her hair up. We can't have all that flowing around for somebody to grab like she's a hooker who didn't pay somebody back."
--"How did the token black kid get there? Black Friend, you are in danger! BLACK FRIEND, YOU ARE GOING TO DIE!"

"That is a hilariously specific and improbable plot device."

This movie gets brownie points for not being 100% action sequences. We appreciate the fact that the action was used as sparingly as it could have been, to keep things heightened and illuminate the exceptionally thin emotional thread present. That being said, Abduction suffers from the usual action movie failing that is Lack Of Story. Near the beginning, during a visit with Nathan's therapist, Dr. Bennett (Sigourney Weaver), we learn that Nathan has rage issues. We expected, because of the setup, that this was something Nathan would have to work through over the course of the movie. Yet we saw no indication in Nathan's character that he was inappropriately angry. In fact, he was relatively calm, for the circumstances, so there was no point to that. At the end of the movie, Nathan, Karen and everyone else were the same as they were at the beginning, except a lot of people had been shot.

The Best Part: At the beginning, after Nathan makes a drunken ass of himself at a party, his dad, Kevin, takes him home and boxes with him (read: kicks his ass) to teach him some lessons. This is a regular thing for them. We later realize that all the sparring Kevin did with Nathan was to keep him sharply trained in combat, for the day Nathan needed to use it against the bad guys who would inevitably come for him. Even before we knew Kevin's odd brand of parenting had context, we enjoyed the hell out of the scene.

After Nathan's parents are killed, and he and Karen realize the CIA is after them, Dr. Bennett helps them escape. Nathan's in tears, justifiably freaking out. Here, Dr. Bennett gets the best line in the whole movie: "I know you need time to deal with this emotionally, but right now, you need to get your s*** together."

Plus, we were treated to a wonderfully offhanded line delivery from the eastern European villain, as he watched baseball: "I don't understand the game, but I like popcorn."

The Worst Part: That nagging absence of character development.

We've got to give it to everyone involved: this is not a good movie, but we could tell they were trying, and did the best with what they had. We didn't even mind Taylor Lautner, and we've got a lot of biases about Taylor Lautner. However, a superficial script is a superficial script, and there's no getting around that. We give Abduction a C-.

(Poster and trailer © Lions Gate Entertainment)

300

That's the entire story.



Directed By: Zack Snyder (Watchmen, Sucker Punch)
Starring: Gerard Butler, Lena Headey and David Wenham
Plot Summary: "I can't believe how long this movie is. It clearly doesn't have enough story for two hours."

Observations Made As We Watched:
--"Are we pretending this weird, slightly Asian-looking kid grows up to look like Gerard Butler?" / "This dude looks like the Last Airbender."
--"Did they just quote Galaxy Quest?"
--"I don't think Hollywood filmmakers have a grasp of what Persia was."
--"Who's narrating?" / "Faramir from Lord of the Rings."
--"Gerard, I like you so much better with your real accent. Because that is auditory sex."
--"Geography and physics are lost on whoever made this movie." / "Psh, Zack Snyder doesn't do physics."
--"Why do all these dudes have herpes of the face?"
--"Wait a f***ing minute, MICHAEL FASSBENDER'S IN THIS MOVIE?!"
--"Whatever effects they used on her boobs make them look like part of a novelty t-shirt."
--"Was that goat playing the guitar?"
--"I wish Orlando Bloom was in this movie." / "Oh my God, yes! That's what this needs! Orlando Bloom staring at nothing!"

"These battles are either like a lame video game or a really weird dream."

If anyone expected this movie to be historically accurate, we'd venture a guess that they were disappointed. Sofia Coppola's Marie Antoinette would even win that argument. However, since it's easy to forget about logic, physics, geography and history in a Zack Snyder movie, we might be able to let that slide. Snyder's got a death grip on how to heighten reality to the point that "reality" becomes a loose term (for reference, please see: ANY OF HIS OTHER MOVIES). All the shirtless men had their abs digitally enhanced, which is one of the more ridiculous uses of CGI we've seen in awhile. Have Butler and Fassbender ever needed help in the ripped-and-sexy department? Does Lena Headey's cleavage need contouring? If your answer to either of those questions is, "Why not?" then let us know when you want us to review whatever horrendous movie you just wrote.

That's the big question at work here: "Why not?" Why not transform Xerxes into a ten-foot-tall transvestite with some sort of thyroid disorder? Why not throw Persian orgies with fauns? Why not make the Spartan traitor a deformed hunchback? (People with birth defects are rage-filled invalids who can't be trusted, right?) Why not depict the bad guys as Africans and other darker-skinned people than the Spartans, yet again, since that's how Hollywood copes with evildoers? Why not send Leonidas into a suicide battle against an army THIRTY-THREE times larger than his own for no reason other than being remembered?

Oh? What's that? Being slaughtered mercilessly so people can make incomprehensible movies about you doesn't win the war? YOU DON'T F***ING SAY?

The Best Part: Queen Gorgo, played by Lena Headey, was strong and intelligent, and although the Spartan society around her saw her the same way they'd see any individual with two X chromosomes, she commanded respect. Her relationship with Leonidas, who treated her as his equal, was easily the best dynamic. Plus, visually-speaking, this movie is gorgeous.

The Worst Part: This "death for glory" bulls*** is not enough motive to drive a real-life fight, let alone a two-hour movie. It's just not.

We give 300 a C. It's not as bad as either of us remembered it, but it still failed to be enjoyable in any particular way.

Fun Fact: Most of the swords and shields used in this movie were recycled from the sets of Troy and Alexander. Explains a lot about this production, doesn't it?

(Poster and trailer © Warner Bros. Entertainment)

The High School Musical trilogy

It seemed like the logical next step, after our Cheetah Girls excursion. Guys, get ready: this is a long one, but, as usual, we are attempting to entertain you where we mostly found despair.

Directed By: Kenny Ortega (Newsies, This Is It)
Starring: Zac Efron, Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Tisdale, Lucas Grabeel, Corbin Bleu and Monique Coleman
Plot Summary: "Let your freak flag fly, Troy!"



The massive song-and-dance number above is the core conflict of High School Musical, and also, the synopsis for the first season of Glee. (Let's just acknowledge that right now and move on.) Albuquerque's East High is constricted by hierarchies and an alarmingly high frequency of personality disorders, resulting in a school full of students unable to accept change. When the balance is overthrown, s*** hits the fan. Our crew for this evening:

--Troy & Gabriella = The charismatic jock and the shy, brainiac new girl, who meet by chance and discover their mutual love of singing and shared desire to break out of their cliques
--Sharpay & Ryan = The theatrical queen bee and her gay-but-everyone's-ignoring-it-because-this-is-Disney twin brother, who conspire against Troy & Gabriella to keep Sharpay in power
--Chad & Taylor = Troy & Gabriella's respective BFFs, a fellow jock and brainiac, who don't appreciate their friends trying to do anything different and also conspire against them

In movie 1, the leads for the winter musical ("Twinkle Town," they're calling it) are totally on lock for Sharpay & Ryan. OR SO THEY THINK! If Troy & Gabriella win the roles at callbacks, Troy's top-dog influence as captain of the basketball team will combine with his relationship with Gabriella to create a world where athletes, mathletes and theatre kids can inter-mingle, and that is just UNACCEPTABLE if Sharpay is going to remain a star. Nevermind what her brother cares about, but we'll get to that later, because their strange relationship is going to be important.


(Brother and sister auditioning with a couple's duet to play romantic leads, folks.)

Chad & Taylor, who are the Chris Brown to Troy & Gabriella's Rihanna, are some of the worst friends in the history of the world. They go so far as to work in tandem with Sharpay & Ryan, just to break Troy & Gabriella apart and keep things in line. (This was actually a smart thing to do, script-wise, because the people who fight hardest to keep you down are rarely the obvious villains.) Taylor's hold on Gabriella isn't too difficult, since the girls have just met this year and their clique's more open to progress, but Troy is being held hostage by Chad, and Troy's own father, Coach Bolton. Their collective bullying has created a fragile boy so crippled by internal conflict that he has intense emotional breakdowns on the regular. (The severity of these freak-outs will get worse and worse as the movies go on.)

Of course, once their friends realize what they've done and stand behind them, Troy & Gabriella triumph at their callback.



In part 2, IT'S SUMMER! School's out, and everyone's constantly chattering about finding summer jobs to pay for college (even though all of these kids appear to be loaded to the point that scholarships shouldn't exist for them). Appropriately, Sharpay & Ryan, whose family owns an entire country club and some other stuff, are the only ones not talking about it, because that would just be silly and Sharpay's never worked a day in her life. She decides that what she wants this summer is Troy, so she gets him a job as a favor. Troy agrees, as long as all his friends can have jobs too, so the whole class starts working at the country club.

Sharpay's focused on her schemes and throws Ryan by the wayside, so he joins up with the rest of his classmates and becomes friends with them. Sharpay starts elevating Troy's status in the club and dangling college networking connections in front of him, so he gets blinded by riches. (We don't know why Troy needs help networking, since he's apparently got so much pull in Albuquerque that he got an entire class of highschoolers hired in a country club without applications or interviews.) His friends get pissed about him ignoring them, and Gabriella dumps him because nobody knows who he is anymore. And then Troy breaks down, and his crisis is so much harder than ever before that it results in -- for lack of a better descriptor, as we're struggling to see it any other way -- the gayest scene in the history of the Disney Channel. This is only unfortunate because half of Troy's freak-out is about his now-ex-girlfriend.


(To be honest, if this choreography had been different, the song might've worked. But we just kept laughing. We can't figure out how they managed to shoot it seriously.)

In the end, Sharpay's put in her place and everyone forgives each other. (Yeah, yeah, we know.) The most important thing that happens in the second movie is that Ryan starts to forge his own identity, and here's where we discovered the greatest part of the entire trilogy. Since Gabriella's been who she is the entire time, Troy's still crying about the same things, and Sharpay's still as selfish as ever, Ryan's character gets the only arc from movie #1 to movie #3. He goes from his sister's bitch to a star in his own right. Plus, he's the only one who finally succeeds in uniting the cliques.


(Sarah: "Does Ryan know Chad can dance because HE CAN SEE HIM DANCING LIKE WE CAN?!")

In High School Musical 3: Senior Year, the crew's doing their usual, except Chad & Taylor have faded into the background a little, and Sharpay and Ryan now operate as fully separate entities. Impending Future Freak-Out is the big situation in this one. Troy's still trying to figure out what he wants to do. His dad's got him pegged for University of Albuquerque, for a basketball scholarship, but Troy also wants to go to other schools -- one of which is Juilliard, where he's a scholarship candidate as well. The rest of the plot isn't important, but we can't watch Troy be sad for two hours without other fluff to break it up. The point here is that Troy's inability to make decisions comes back in full force from the first movie. Sports or theatre? SPORTS OR THEATRE?! He loves playing basketball, but HE'S JUST GOTTA SING, DAMMIT!!!


(The theatre director finds him at the end of this number, but if she hadn't, we have a strong suspicion that the East High Wildcats would've come to school the next morning to find their leader hanging from the rafters in the auditorium.)

Troy decides to go to the University of California, Berkeley, because there, he can study theatre AND play basketball. We find it unfortunate that no one has the heart to tell him how intense college theatre is, and how all-encompassing college sports teams are, and that he won't have time to do both like he did in high school, which will surely lead to another breakdown when he has to make this decision again, mere months from now. (He will inevitably choose theatre, because what does he turn to when he's having a crisis and subsequent violent outburst? SINGING ABOUT IT, not playing a few games of H.O.R.S.E.)

(Several) Observations Made As We Watched All Three Movies:
--"This whole thing could be a coming-out speech."
--"SAY 'MUSICAL' CORRECTLY, YOU BATTY OLD C***!"
--"Basketballs must be awfully uncomfortable to masturbate with."
--"Come on now, Sharpay, what if someone had been changing her tampon? You can't kick open bathroom stalls like that."
--"Why is Chad acting like they're in a cult? Drinking the Kool-aid, planning the group suicide?"
--"OK, 'thunderclap' is OBVIOUSLY an STD."
--"This song woke [Sarah's dog] Oskar up." / "That's because Vanessa Hudgens is so goddamn pitchy."
--"This is like a wild Greek orgy. Who brought the vuvuzela?!"
--"That's where serial killers put the bodies."
--"I'm sorry, I just can't get the visual of blow job circles in the basketball locker room out of my head."
--"You a**hole, you are gonna get this girl fired because of your obsession with frolicking."
--"His dad must want him to know how much hookers cost, especially if he's going to have all this pent-up homosexual energy that he can't share with Gabriella."
--"OH, HI ZAC'S BARE TORSO, YOU LOOK NICE TODAY!"
--"Ryan almost teabagged Chad right there." / "Oh, good, you saw that too."
--"TROY, YOU ARE DRUNK ON SORROW!"
--"I can't think of anything that makes this scene more gay." / "Dancing dildos, maybe?"
--"See, my mom would be mad if my high school boyfriend had suddenly shown up in my room, because she would assume I was letting him f*** me senseless."
--"This is worse than a Hamlet soliloquy, because this won't end in murder... just more dancing."
--"I'm not an expert on basketball, but I don't think they're doing it right."
--"Troy is not gay! He just has so many feelings!" / "I disagree."

The Best Part: The journey of Ryan Evans. He's super-likeable and we cared to see him finally get what he wanted. (He ends up being a winner of that Juilliard scholarship, for choreography.)

The Worst Part: The music. It's musical-appropriate in the first movie, clearly written for the purpose of being sold as pop singles on iTunes in the second, and then irritating by the time we get to the third. Especially because the third movie mostly consists of three sentimental bulls*** songs that each get repeated one or two more times throughout, and a few others that don't contribute to anything.

The original movie is legitimately cute, and as such, it is now the first vindicated movie to make it through the blog! CONGRATS, WILDCATS! You made it through on the basis of being better than our formerly best-reviewed bad thing, Twilight!

However, High School Musical 2 and High School Musical 3: Senior Year both get Ds. The first one, which has such a different spirit from the second two, can't save the downhill nature of the rest of the trilogy. So, it's a C for the whole shebang.

Sarah: "Truthfully, I always want to watch Love Actually after every Camp or Crap? excursion, just to remind myself that there is hope in the world."
Me: "I just want to watch The Virgin Suicides."
Sarah: "We appear to have opposite reactions."

(Posters and video clips © Walt Disney Company)

The Cheetah Girls Trilogy

WE'RE BAAAAAAAAACK!

Our summer hiatus is over, and to compensate for the lack of f**kery, we bring you not one... not two... but THREE at once! Ever since that misguided weekend, four years ago, when I made Sarah watch the High School Musical trilogy and Camp Rock, I think I've had a subconscious mission to keep her informed on all the ways that the Disney Channel makes life terrible. So, last week, when I brought The Cheetah Girls 2 into her life, Sarah asked, "Are we doing this for 'Camp or Crap?'" Shamefully, that answer was originally "no," as I had recently let myself watch it for the first time in a few years and wanted to share my guilty pleasure. However, after discussing the presence of the entire trilogy, and notifying Sarah that the first was worse than the second (I hadn't seen the atrocity the third movie yet), we decided that this would be an excellent way to jump back into things. Plus, we're still avoiding Spider-Man 3.



Directed By: Oz Scott (The Jeffersons, Fame the TV show), Kenny Ortega (Newsies, High School Musical trilogy), and Paul Hoen (Even Stevens, Sabrina the Teenage Witch)
Starring: Raven-Symone, Adrienne Bailon, Sabrina Bryan and Kiely Williams (Bailon and Williams were in 3LW when all this started)
Plot Summary: "This movie is trying really hard to be ethnic."

The Cheetah Girls begin as a singing quartet of freshmen whose main goal is to perform in their Manhattan high school's annual talent show. Because their school has lots of famous alumni, this talent show is the place to be discovered. The girls:

--Galleria (Raven-Symone): the bi-racial, type-A leader and songwriter, whose number-one focus is the success of the Cheetah Girls and reaching stardom. (Yes, their races are important, because they keep referring to them.)
--Chanel (Bailon): the fun-loving, Latina best friend who has abandonment issues with her mother's boyfriends
--Dorinda (Bryan): the dancer, a poor foster kid who doesn't know where she came from, but is presumably white and some other stuff
--Aquanetta, or Aqua (Williams): the brainy-yet-goofy black one who talks about being from Texas and putting hot sauce on food at every opportunity

As one would expect in a musical about struggling for fame in a group, Galleria becomes a problem when she gets a big head and acts like a raging bitch to everyone. (A near replica of that t-shirt moment in Almost Famous when Jason Lee says, "Oh, don't mind us, we're just the out-of-focus guys!" occurs after a promo picture of the Cheetah Girls appears.) She's super-unlikable at this point, but the movie flips when some skeezy record producer named Jackal comes in, and Galleria's suddenly the one with the best instincts for the group's well-being. There's dissent, and fighting, and Galleria quits the group. And then her dog falls in a hole and the Cheetahs rally together to sing him out of it. As anyone could guess, Galleria realizes how awful she's been, and everyone forgives each other, and then the above song occurs to finish the movie, complete with Galleria's irrelevant love interest playing an electric guitar that's not plugged into anything.



Now that Disney's done acknowledging that there are several cultures in the United States, the Cheetah Girls are moving on to Spain! Through a series of highly improbable events, the girls end up in Barcelona to compete in an international music competition before they begin their senior year of high school. Galleria, ever focused, works on the group's songs and tries to get everyone to rehearse, but the girls are distracted! Chanel is preoccupied with issues with her mom's Spanish boyfriend, Luc -- we're pretty sure he was French in the first movie, but I guess the producers needed a reason to go to Spain -- a perfectly nice man who has graciously welcomed everyone to stay in his beautiful mansion/villa. Dorinda gets wrapped up with a fellow dancer, Joaquin, who works for Luc and also happens to be a Count and can't act, and Aqua's suddenly into fashion design. All the while, the Cheetah Girls are being watched/stalked by a mysterious, gorgeous guitar player named Angel. (LIKE A GUARDIAN, GET IT? DO YOU GET WHY THE WRITERS NAMED HIM ANGEL?! DO YOU GET IT?!?!?!) Everyone is unfocused and Galleria quits again, but she comes back once the girls promise to keep it together. After a rival's scheming mom tries to break up the group and fails, the Cheetah Girls are stronger than ever and perform an outrageous bonanza for the competition. The movie ends without even mentioning who won, because I guess that's not supposed to be important after all the lessons everyone learned through their adventure or whatever.



At a certain point, somebody at the Disney Channel realized that in the course of this multicultural odyssey, they haven't covered India yet. So, in The Cheetah Girls: One World, the girls jet off to India to perform in a Bollywood movie. Raven's not in this one, probably because she was smart enough to say, "Okay, we've done what we can with this, and now I'm over it." Unfortunately, we're treated to a third movie without her, because 3LW isn't a thing anymore and Sabrina Bryan doesn't appear to have been involved in anything else. (Since, the three of them have decided to perform as the Cheetah Girls as a full-time gig. I accidentally saw them in concert once -- long story, I swear I didn't mean to -- and it was a hot-ass mess.)

The third one is full of nothing. Even fewer arcs than before, weird love set-ups (the most romantic one doesn't involve any of the three leads), a hell of a lot of extra characters, outfits that inexplicably got way worse than anything from the first movie... it's just useless. And Galleria's absence, explained by her being busy with preparations for Cambridge University (I like to think she's there with Angel, who sort of ended up being her love interest in Europe), leaves the group without an anchor. The movie's 75% music, due to lack of story, and we don't even remember there being a message for this one. Also, the Indian characters are somewhat slapstick, where the Spanish characters in the second movie had been cosmopolitan Europeans. In the age of Dora the Explorer, Spanish culture was embraced wholeheartedly, while even the Cheetah Girls' attitudes towards India seemed slightly more dismissive.

(Several) Observations Made As We Watched All Three Movies:
--"I can't remember all the names, so I'm just going to call them the names I made up for them: Gonorrhea, Aquafina and Dorito."
--"No, it is NOT 'Cheetahlicious!' That is not a word! SHUT THE F*** UP!"
--"Why would they all own the same ugly-ass jogging suit?"
--"That's not how you treat a dog! I am OFFENDED!"
--"Who am I supposed to like in this movie? 'Cause I don't like any of them."
--"Oh, Jesus, I smell a dance battle."
--"We're just pretending Galleria is dead, OK?" / "No, Galleria is not dead." / "...Yeah, I'm just pretending Galleria is dead."
--"Wow, they really didn't want to work on a story for this one."
--"HEY GUYS, DID ANY OF THESE THINGS WORK IN THE FIRST TWO MOVIES? NO? THEN WHY ARE WE DOING THEM NOW?"
--"That was rude, Dorito!"
--"This is strange and awful."
--"How did the acting get worse?"
--"'Dance me if you can?' You can't dance a person! Learn your verbs! 'DANCE ME' IS GIBBERISH, YOU DUMB BITCHES!"
--"Chanel, that top is too low-cut for the Disney Channel." / "Nah, Disney's had its cherry popped since Hannah Montana."
--"I don't want to sit through all the assumptions and jealousy in order to get to the 'Nothing will tear us apart!' resolution that is sure to occur. Like, this is ridic, and these outfits are just heinous and more heinous."
--"I have to take [Sarah's dog] Oskar out and decompress from what we just watched. BRB."

The Best Part: We found ourselves missing Angel to an obnoxious extent, considering that he's only got about 3 lines in the second movie, but because of his limited dialogue, that meant he never said anything stupid or cheesy. Which means we preferred him to any other guy who showed up. And although Sarah's not the biggest fan of Galleria, she certainly gave the group focus: Galleria united the other girls in their irritation when she was the villain, and then kept their eyes on the prize after she learned from her conceited missteps.

The Cheetah Girls 2 is the lesser of three evils; not surprising, given it's the only one with a director who specializes in musicals. It improved on the cheesy failures of the first movie, had better music and dance numbers, and integrated the Spanish language and environment in a way that didn't feel like the girls were just putting on costumes.

The Worst Part: The entire third movie is atrocious, but overall, the heavy-handed "Let's celebrate all the cultures we can!" thing is too much at times (as initially evidenced by most of the girls' off-the-wall names). It's a fantastic message, for sure, to embrace multiculturalism and international awareness, but there are moments when the movies are trying way too hard. On the other hand, the third movie's main love interest, the Bollywood director who becomes involved with Chanel, is the most Americanized of the Indian men. Disney's got a knack for this kind of backhanded diversity (please see our write-up for The Prince of Persia). Plus, we're not sure if this is a shrewd cultural observation or supremely offensive: Aqua accidentally runs into her crush, a tech guy she's never met and only knows through his over-the-phone assistance with her computer problems, in India, because of course, customer service is outsourced.

The Cheetah Girls = D+
The Cheetah Girls 2 = C
The Cheetah Girls: One World = F

Overall, that evens out to a D+ for the whole trilogy.

PS: This is Angel (Peter Vives).


(Posters and video clips © Walt Disney Company)

27 Dresses

Going into this, it must be noted that Sarah likes romantic comedies, and I (Jasmyn) actively hate them. In fact, the first time we saw this movie, in theaters, Sarah had seen it already (but wanted to see The Diving Bell and the Butterfly), and I was hell-bent on seeing Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. Unfortunately, every movie except 27 Dresses was sold out, because Hannah Montana in Concert premiered that night and all the tweens' parents had swarmed the rest of the theater. Sarah wasn't pleased, but I was PISSED.



Directed By: Anne Fletcher (The Proposal, Step Up)
Starring: Katherine Heigl and James Marsden
Plot Summary: "Katherine Heigl's really good at playing career-driven, self-righteous, accidentally self-sacrificing bitches."

There is nothing that gets in the way of a solid romantic comedy (with a good script by Aline Brosh McKenna, who also wrote The Devil Wears Prada) faster than Katherine Heigl. Her character, Jane, the woman who has infamously been a bridesmaid or maid-of-honor 27 times, is one of those people who can never say no. She, like all of Heigl's characters, is always put-upon. The only difference between Jane and Alison (Knocked Up), Abby (The Ugly Truth), or Holly (Life As We Know It) is that Jane is slightly more pathetic. She's just as passive-aggressive as the others, but Jane's closer to the passive end of the spectrum. The closer we inspected the plot developments and dialogue of these roles, collectively, we found that the characters themselves weren't that problematic. Heigl, however, gives everyone she plays an anal, bitchy twist with a sense of entitlement, so if Anne Hathaway, Drew Barrymore, or even Reese Witherspoon had starred in these movies instead, the characters wouldn't be so grating. Heigl's portrayals always become reenactments of The Taming of the Shrew, so she makes ambitious women look bad.

Observations Made As We Watched:
We had a lot of thoughts about how irritating Heigl is, but that's mostly it, except:

"JAMES MARSDEN IS HEEEERE!"

Casting the leads was another big issue with this movie. We didn't believe Edward Burns as Jane's eco-friendly, outdoorsy dream guy (because it was easier to see him in a 5-episode arc as a WASPy, Upper East Side love interest on Gossip Girl), and we didn't believe Malin Akerman as Jane's spoiled, manipulative sister (because that character could've been a great antagonist, but Akerman plays her so flatly). When we're supposed to understand why Jane's obsessed with George, and supposed to root for Jane to triumph over Tess, but neither is interesting, that's a problem. The exception to this problem is James Marsden, who plays Kevin, the cynical shrew-tamer for this particular venture. That man could play a Tourette's-riddled Nazi with rickets and make him charming.

The Best Part: As a romantic comedy, it was a very solid script. Also, Judy Greer shows up for about 15 minutes, and any Judy Greer appearance, in any movie, is a scene-stealer.

The Worst Part: Katherine Heigl.

With a different actress, this would be a B. In fact, we might've left it alone entirely. However, because it is what it is, with Heigl destroying everything, it's a C+.

(Poster and trailer © 20th Century Fox)

Knowing

Sarah and I are back from Christmas break, detoxed from finals and ready to spring back into action! We return to you with... well, we're actually not sure about this one. The first time I saw this movie, it was playing on the overhead screens of a long bus ride at an earsplitting volume that nearly prevented me from sleeping through it. But Nicolas Cage is in it, and that's always one hell of a starting point.



Directed By: Alex Proyas (The Crow, I, Robot)
Starring: Nicolas Cage and Rose Byrne
Plot Summary: "This already seems like it's going to be unnecessarily convoluted."

Let's begin by saying that we have several thoughts on Nicolas Cage, and very few of them are positive. Over-acting is a serious affliction for some actors (especially those in the action/sci-fi genres), and if there were a fundraising foundation for the cause, he would be the spokesman. The specific problem with Nic is that although he's really trying, he's completely transparent. We can see him chanting "THIS IS SERIOUS" before the film starts to roll. Nic is a funny, funny man, but it's never intentional. Thus, this compilation, by some brilliant man named Harry Hanrahan:



(Note: Ironically, back in the day, Nic encouraged his friend Johnny to get into acting. So, we can thank Nic Cage for Johnny Depp. Ponder that.)

Observations Made As We Watched:
--"Ugh, let's just watch this... it's like ripping off a band-aid."
--"It's like, because he's a Coppola, he didn't feel the need to take any acting classes, ever."
--"Oh my God, what's wrong with her head? Seriously, why is that little girl's forehead that wide?!"

"IT'S PLOT DEVICE DAY!"

We have a small level of pity for this movie, because the initial concept was actually interesting: There is a prophecy of sorts, in a series of numbers, that predicts all the world's major disasters and death tolls over a span of about 50 years, ending with the complete destruction of Earth. This prophecy is discovered by Nic's son at a time capsule ceremony at his elementary school. Nic, an astrophysics professor at MIT (yeah, MI-f***ing-T), discovers the pattern in the numbers, and the movie goes from there.

Theoretically, this could have been a brilliant movie. Director Alex Proyas is also responsible for one of my personal favorite sci-fi thrillers, I, Robot, a movie that has a lot more things going for it than this one does: a) a twisty plot with no loose ends, b) existential questions about one's life purpose, and c) Will Smith. Knowing, unfortunately, was dull. The movie basically boiled down to "This is happening. We're all going to die and no one can prevent it. There is no conflict here and there are no questions raised. Goodbye." So, after awhile, there just wasn't a point.

The Best Part: The idea.

The Worst Part: The execution.

Oh, Knowing. We see what you did. You had potential, and you tried, but you missed the mark. It's a C- for you.

(Poster and trailer © Summit Entertainment)

December Boys

It's been about two weeks since our last review, and we're sorry about that, but the back-to-back atrocities of Catwoman and Glitter scarred us a bit and we needed a break.

Anyway, we first attempted to watch this movie three years ago. Less than 45 minutes into it, we pressed fast-forward. And we left it that way, finishing the entire remaining hour on high-speed. Unfortunately, for the review's sake, we were forced to sit through it this time.



Directed By: Rod Hardy (Robinson Crusoe)
Starring: Daniel Radcliffe, Lee Cormie, James Fraser and Christian Byers
Plot Summary: "They knew exactly why we'd watch this movie in the first place, so they put him in the tightest clothes possible."

Misty, Spit, Sparks and Maps are four Australian orphans (and we use the term "Australian" loosely, because of consistency issues with Daniel's accent) known as the "December Boys." The older they get, the more the boys lose hope of ever being adopted. Because it is their birthday month, the orphanage sends them on holiday, and they stay with a childless couple looking to adopt. The catch is that the couple will only adopt one of them. This beginning would seem to set up a dramatic competition amongst the four friends, wouldn't it? Well, it doesn't.

Observations Made As We Watched:
--"I like the nuns!"
--"I'm bored."
--"Why are they wearing orange booty shorts?"
--"Pro tip: Don't take cigarettes a girl pulls out of her crotch."
--"This movie would be better with magic."

"Every moment we spend away from Daniel is a wasted moment in this movie."

The unfortunate thing about this movie is really a core issue with the script. All four of them want to be adopted, even Maps (Daniel), who is at least four years older and shuns the idea of parents because he knows his adoption won't happen. After all, how many couples want to adopt 16-year-olds? The problem with this movie is the fact that there is no battle for the couple's affection. The boys want parents, but they seem just fine without them and don't try very hard to be the chosen one. Misty, the retrospective narrator, tries to be the sweetest child he can be, but that's it. There's no fight, and therefore nothing at stake. Especially considering that in the end, the couple doesn't adopt any of them.

We think the filmmakers knew this. That's why they pushed this as Daniel's movie. Look back at the poster. You would think he's the main character, but he isn't. Misty, the little boy trailing behind the crazy blonde chick and narrating half the movie, is the main character. However, since nothing happens in this movie until the last half hour, when Maps has an emotional breakdown, the filmmakers decided to play up the guy who must have earned them their funding and US distribution. Fun Fact: The DVD begins with a trailer for Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, a movie so unrelated to December Boys that it's obvious the producers knew there was no other reason people would go out of their way to see it. We must admit, that logic was right on the nose; We only bothered with this because of Daniel Radcliffe. After all, he's the only reason anyone on this side of the pond has even heard of it.

The Best Part: Either Daniel's wardrobe or Daniel's body, even if that body's only 5'6". It's a 1950s/1960s period piece, so he's running around the Australian sand dunes in tight jeans and a tight red t-shirt. We pressed "rewind" on this particular entrance three times, especially since there's no reason for his nipples to be that hard in that climate:


The Worst Part: Other than the fact that nothing happens, we had no idea what was going on with the characters who weren't the December Boys. There was this thing about a giant fish and another thing about an old woman with cancer or something. There was also a funny bit with cartwheeling nuns, but it didn't accomplish anything. Shrug.

We see what the filmmakers were trying to do, but this movie goes the way of many quiet indie movies and doesn't give much thought to plot. They really had great intentions, and if they had tried harder to show some kind of conflict amongst the boys, they could've had something. So, we give it a C.

(Poster and trailer © Warner Bros. Entertainment)

Speed Racer

Speed Racer is the first movie we've reviewed for our baby blog that neither of us had seen before. Sarah remembers watching the show when she was little, but my only knowledge of it came from a hilarious Geico commercial that came out four years ago. When I first saw the trailer for this movie, I was really psyched and was dying to see it... and then the reviews came in.



Directed By: The Wachowskis (The Matrix, V For Vendetta)
Starring: Emile Hirsch, John Goodman and Christina Ricci
Plot Summary: "There's some kind of color orgasm going on here."

The first thing to notice about this movie is the fact that Owen Paterson, the production designer, must have been on acid. There were moments, especially during the final race, which we are now referring to as Rainbow Road, when our eyes literally hurt from watching it. Before we started, Sarah even asked, "I have a headache, is this going to give me a seizure?" That being said, the visuals save the movie, because it is a cool-looking movie. The colors are so bright, and there are SO MANY OF THEM, that you almost forget there's no story.

Observations Made As We Watched:
--"Is that his NAME? Speed Racer is actually his NAME?!"
--"Do you feel like we're playing Mario Kart? Because I feel like we're playing Mario Kart."
--"I SERIOUSLY LOVE HIS HAIR!"
--"This could be futuristic London... or Tokyo... or it could be like, a thousand Times Squares... Where ARE we?!"
--"John Goodman needs a better bra."

"This ISN'T how cars work. They'd be dead a bazillion times over. Deadity-dead-dead."

There is a whole lot of Unnecessary in this movie. There is a pet chimp (named Chim-Chim, of course) who THROWS POO at an enemy's face. There are kung-fu ninjas. One of them has throwing stars but doesn't use them, and instead, accidentally catapults them into the wall NEXT TO Speed's head while his father, who apparently is a wrestling veteran (according to the random class ring they inserted into the shot), spins the aforementioned ninja over his head. The movie is over two hours long, and 90% of it was either a car race or a fight scene. Not to mention the fact that everyone knows kung fu. When the f*** did Speed Racer learn kung fu? All he wants to do is RACE, damn it!

The backstory is not interesting enough to drive Speed's need to race all the time. They talk about how Speed loves the art of racing and doesn't care about winning, but at no point does Speed ever explain what he loves about racing. In Almost Famous, the lead singer of Stillwater explains what he loves about performing (the "buzz"). In The Princess and the Frog, Tiana's father, an aspiring restauranteur, explains how food brings people together. Hell, even in Sweeney Todd, the deranged barber sings an ode to his razors. Passion is passion, and even though it's the kind of thing that should go without saying, we still don't understand Speed's obsession. "It's in my blood" is a really vague statement.

The Best Part: Aside from Emile Hirsch's hair, there is a moment during the final race when the Wachowskis decide to push the PG rating. Speed, having some kind of manic freakout breakdown, screams, "GET THAT WEAK S*** OFF MY TRACK!" to his competitor, Cannonball Taylor. I screamed "YES!!!"

The Worst Part: Yes, it's a racing movie. But there was too much racing and not enough story. The only reason we pulled for Speed at any point was Emile Hirsch, thankfully, acting his heart out. Sarah counted, and there were 7-8 races in this movie. By the time we got to Rainbow Road, it was too much. Too much motion, too many lasers... We closed our eyes because our faces hurt. THERE WERE THAT MANY COLORS. In 3D, this movie would most certainly kill people.

Also, there was a character named Inspector Detector. Inspector Detector. Seriously.

It's not a good movie, but in the grand scheme of bad (cough--THE FOG--cough), it's not terrible. It almost reaches a level of mediocrity that saves it from the worst ratings. So, we give Speed Racer a C+.

"It was like a rainbow threw up on you." --Sarah

PS: We couldn't believe the names of the characters in this movie, so we looked up Spritle (Speed's little brother) and found this photo from the original cartoon:

Sarah asked, "Why does it look like he's being molested by a priest?"

We'll leave you with that. All answers can be sent to camporcrap@gmail.com.

(Poster and trailer © Warner Bros. Entertainment, Inc.)

The Faculty

As we mentioned in "Our Mission Statement," Sarah and I (Jasmyn) have very different movie collections. Sarah hadn't seen this movie before. I have, several times over, because I first saw it when I was 12 and became obsessed with its ridiculousness. However, this is one of those movie moments where we reach a fork in the road.



Directed By: Robert Rodriguez (Spy Kids, Sin City)
Starring: Elijah Wood, Josh Hartnett and Clea DuVall, among others
Plot Summary: "Are they using crack to kill the aliens?!"

Sarah, not being a fan of horror movies, does not feel qualified to judge this particular flick. She said it was like A Walk To Remember and Twilight combined. It was already bad, but made worse by the big-name ensemble cast (seriously, Jon Stewart and Salma Hayek are here, too) that did not deliver. Also, Sarah does NOT like surprises, and while I'm used to the jolts of this movie, for Sarah it was, well... surprising. The ear-invading parasites, the eye-stabbing, and the fingers and decapitated head that crawled away after they got chopped off, for example, were major issues.

Observations Made As We Watched:
--Lots of shrieking on Sarah's part
--Hysterical laughter on my part
--"THIS IS SO DISGUSTING!"
--"This isn't going to turn out well for him, is it?"
--"NO NO NO, RUN RUN RUN!!!"

I know this movie's questionable. I'm the one who added it to our blogging queue and shoved it in front of Speed Racer because I felt nostalgic. Anyway, I think there are plenty of redeemable qualities in this movie. Casey (Elijah Wood), as an unlikely little hero fighting against insane odds (cough -- FRODO -- cough), handles the "let's recap so the audience is up to speed" exposition in the middle of the movie perfectly. Plus, he has a line that I remembered for a long time afterwards, during subsequent viewings of alien invasion movies:

"If you were going to take over the world, would you blow up the White House, Independence Day style... or would you sneak in through the back door?"

Robert Rodriguez will later be well-known for the outrageous violence he throws into his work (did anyone else see Johnny Depp's blind gunfight after getting his eyeballs drilled out in Once Upon a Time In Mexico?), but The Faculty was clearly one of his earliest movies. When the alien mother finally shows up, in the form of a fanged worm from animatronic hell, it's laughable. In fact, Sarah was no longer freaked by the creature at that point. The tiny ones crawling into people's faces were another story.

The Best Part: The method used to destroy the aliens is a homemade speed/cocaine combo created in Zeke's (Josh Hartnett's) basement. It is, as his character explains, a diuretic, so it dries out the water-based invaders almost instantly. In one scene, where the crew of teen misfits must prove to each other that they have not been taken over, what do they do? They snort the white powder, kept in Bic pen capsules. Casey proceeds to giggle and freak out on Zeke's sofa.

Stan: "What the hell is wrong with him?"
Zeke: "He's tweaking, man! LET HIM F***ING TWEAK!!!"

The Worst Part: The dialogue, while being half-decent for what it is (and legitimately funny in some parts) is very obviously part of the screenwriter's attempt to make the movie edgy. But I have to admit, one of my favorite worst lines in a movie is delivered near the end, as Casey prepares to finally stab the alien mother:

"Guaranteed to JACK YOU UP!"

Sarah gives The Faculty a C, and while she says she'd need to see it again so that she's not completely taken aback by all the crazy, she can't see it getting higher than that. I, however, give it a solid, campy B. I think it falls under the "cult classic" category, along with several other deliciously bad movies that are on our collective horizons.

(Poster and trailer © Dimension Films)

Troy

Troy was supposed to be epic. It was supposed to tell the story of the most legendary warrior of all time, and the face that launched a thousand ships, and the most crazy-awesome names in Greek history/mythology (Agamemnon, anyone?), and a whole lot of other stuff. It was not supposed to be a really dull movie.



Directed By: Wolfgang Petersen (Air Force One, The NeverEnding Story)
Starring: Brad Pitt, Eric Bana and Orlando Bloom
Plot Summary: "F***ing Helen... It's this chick's fault we had to read The Odyssey."

Troy takes forever to get started. And, in fact, it never really does. There are very specific moments of this movie that are played up more than the rest of the overdramatic "Hey, check out how EPIC this movie is" dialogue, like the moment near the beginning when Achilles (Pitt) stabs that big competitor in the shoulder and kills him. But this movie could've learned a thing or two from 300 (yes, 300, that stellar example of American cinema), which was 45 minutes shorter than Troy. We wanted the doomed King Leonidas to defeat Xerxes. Here, we didn't care if the doomed Achilles triumphed over... whatever he was trying to triumph over.

Observations Made As We Watched:
--"Is this where Brad Pitt's having sex and NOT fighting? Is that the story of Brad Pitt's whole life?"
--"Oh, the amount of things that out-act Orlando Bloom in this movie... including his own hair."
--"IT'S BRAD PITT'S ASS!"
--"Ouch... Let's evaluate what naked boobs must feel like against this weird armadillo armor he's wearing... You KNOW stuff's getting pinched."
--"Trojan hair is doing great things here. Look at the little gold barrettes! Troy's kinda fabulous."
--"Orlando Bloom's two faces: Constipated and Stoned."
--"So you're telling me... Karl from Love Actually was the tranny man in 300?"
--"This f***ing movie... is still going..."

"God, Paris is such a little bitch!"

We can't think of a more shameful moment for the Orlando Bloom fangirls than to see him crawling in the dirt to clutch Eric Bana's legs after Brendan Gleeson kicks the crap out of him. Paris (Bloom) kidnaps Helen (Diane Kruger), then says he's sorry, but proceeds to hide behind his big brother, Hector (Bana), instead of leading the war he started. Paris ruins EVERYONE'S lives. We realize this is more of an issue with Paris's character than the actual movie, since this is how things go down in The Iliad (the prequel to The Odyssey), but maybe if Bloom could act his way out of a period piece, this wouldn't have been so noticeable. Good actors can make even the most pitiful characters sympathetic.

This movie was just plain boring. After the first hour or so, we were amazed to look at the timestamp and see that we still... weren't... done. We had an hour and forty minutes left of this drudgery. Every scene could've been cut by a full minute. The pacing was painfully slow. And by the time we got to the pivotal fight between Achilles and Hector, we were so over the whole thing that we put the movie on mute and played Britney Spears's "Baby (One More Time)" over the scene. And it was hysterical.

The Best Part: Other than the Britney insertion, the moment when Achilles stabs Big Competitor in the shoulder and then just peaces out was pretty bad-ass. Also, male and female MVPs in the acting category: Peter O'Toole as the dignified King Priam of Troy, and Rose Byrne as Briseis, cousin of Hector and Paris, who was kidnapped to become Achilles's prize and then fell in love with him.

The Worst Part: This movie was seriously too long and slow-paced, and suffered from a severe case of ADD in terms of focusing on any one character enough to make us care.

Eh. We've seen better war epics, and we've seen worse. This one's a C-.

(Poster © Warner Bros. Entertainment, Inc.)

Batman & Robin

Both of us have fond memories of the pre-Christopher-Nolan, non-Christian-Bale version of Batman. The movies were fun, and everyone knew they were campy. No one expected great American cinema when they went to see the old Batman movies. We knew what we were getting ourselves into.



Directed by: Joel Schumacher (The Phantom of the Opera, Batman Forever)
Starring: George Clooney, Chris O'Donnell, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Uma Thurman, Alicia Silverstone
Plot Summary: "This is the movie that Logic forgot."

In the beginning, we were fairly comfortable with the level of camp. It was painful to hear the terrible dialogue, especially with the "Watch me deliver this pun!" delivery. ESPECIALLY in Arnold's accent, or with Clooney's carelessness, or Chris's "I'M ROBIN, DAMMIT" conviction, or Alicia's weird thing she does with her bottom lip, or Uma's accent-from-everywhere. One thing we noticed from the get-go: Clooney just didn't give a s*** and it's confusing to try and figure out why he agreed to do the movie. Even he called it "a huge waste of money."

(Several) Observations Made As We Watched:
--"Hey, Alfred's dying."
--"That is a giant penis, and Robin's holding on for dear life."
--"They're playing hockey with A GIANT DIAMOND!"
--"This is so much better than The Fog."
--"I wish the Beach Boys were playing, that's what this needs, doesn't it?"
--"Ever since Robin joined the team, it's been one big Dumbass Moment."
--"Uma Thurman is an Amazon woman."
--"How can Batman fight minions if he can't turn his head in the Batsuit?"
--"Superman would be really helpful right now... Any other superhero would be more useful than Batman is in this movie."
--"What is this thing with the satellites?! Like, I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!"
--"Now, I've seen unscientific superhero movies... but this takes the cake."

"The novelty of it being bad has kind of worn off."

Batman & Robin is 2 hours and 5 minutes long. They could've -- and should've -- shaved at least 20 minutes off the ending of this movie, because not only does it feel like it overstays its welcome, but the last 20 minutes give a big middle finger to whatever logic was present. There's always a separate sense of reality in a superhero movie, but the rules that this one had established and abided by suddenly didn't exist. The exact moment: When Mr. Freeze freezes the city and the Bat-team attempts to fix it by using satellites to take sunlight from the Congo. WHAT THE F***?!

Here's an interesting thought: Does your perspective on some of the more outlandish directing choices change when you know that director Joel Schumacher is openly gay? Bad directing is bad directing, no doubt about it. But the first two movies, Batman and Batman Returns, while still goofy, are markedly darker, with WAY fewer homoerotic undertones than the last two in this incarnation of the Batman series. (Plus, they were directed by Tim Burton.) It's not a bad thing, to acknowledge the raging homeroticism that has ALWAYS been present in the Batman/Robin relationship, but just look at what happened to the Batsuits. Namely, the Bat-nipples:

Batman Returns (Burton) vs. Batman Forever (Schumacher)















The Best Part: How important Robin believes he is. Little Dick Grayson (AKA Hot Chris O'Donnell) is so serious about working together with Batman, as a team, that you kinda root for him to show his worth by the end of the movie, instead of continuing the stupid decisions he makes for 3/4 of it.

The Worst Part: Everything could've been fixed with a better script.

"Can you imagine Christian Bale's Batman putting up with any of this?"
"No. Everyone would be dead."

There's a lot to say about this movie, but let's just say this: The campiness we already knew was coming was only funny for the first half-hour. After that, it was just bad. If anything, it just made us want to watch Batman Forever. Since it's enjoyable, yet a complete joke of a movie, we'll give it a C+.

PS: This is a conversation we seriously just had:

"My head still hurts from The Fog!"
"The Fog is gone, Sarah! It's gone!"
"IT WILL LIVE IN INFAMY!"

(Poster, trailer and images © Warner Bros. Entertainment, Inc.)