Gigli

Directed By: Martin Brest (Meet Joe Black, Beverly Hills Cop)
Starring: Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez, and Justin Bartha
Plot Summary: ""How are there 45 minutes of story left?" / "I don't know, since there haven't been 45 minutes of story YET."

WTF?

Gigli (Affleck) is a completely inept, low-level gangster. Known all over town as "a f***-up." His boss directs him to kidnap Brian, the mentally-retarded brother (Bartha) of a federal prosecutor, as a threat, so they can stop the big boss from going to prison. However, Gigli sucks at everything, so Ricki (Lopez) is also hired to take charge. Which begs the question, why keep messing around with Gigli in the first place? Whatever. Okay. The two watch Brian, and Gigli falls for Ricki, but Ricki's a lesbian, and nothing else really happens.

Observations Made As We Watched:
--"Jesus f***ing ballsacks, we're really watching this right now."
--"Is this Weather Channel music?"
--"Does he have chest hair, or is there something on my computer?"
--"He looks like a damn Grand Theft Auto character. Like, 'It's Vice City in this bitch!' Except Tommy Vercetti would've f***ed him up."
--"Is this a comedy? This can't be a comedy."
--"IS THAT THE DUDE FROM THE NEW NORMAL?! Oh my God, bless you, Justin Bartha, honey, why are you in this movie?"
--"Bennifer: a pop culture travesty if there ever was one."
--"I don't understand why he's mentally handicapped, story-wise. Like, is that just to get on Gigli's nerves? And, if so, can we not imply things like that about handicapped people, please?"
--"I feel like I'm delirious, like this can't be a movie."
--"Can we write George Clooney a letter about this? I know he had nothing to do with it, but he's friends with Ben, and I think he could help."
--"WE STILL HAVE AN HOUR AND 43 MINUTES LEFT?! I WANT TO BASH MY FACE INTO A WALL!"
--"Who wrote this dialogue, a potato?"
--"This is like a long car ride without a radio." / "With blacked-out windows." / "Through Indiana."
--"AL PACINO? WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"
--"I hope Matt Damon saw this and laughed in Ben's face."

"WHAT WAS THE F***ING POINT OF THAT MOVIE?"

You know, back when Sarah and I started this project, this was the one movie that made me second-guess committing to this. I thought, "God, we're going to have to watch Gigli at some point." We still weren't prepared. We spent most of this experience screaming, laughing, or crying as a result of either. It's billed as a romantic comedy, but it was neither romantic, nor funny. At all. The titular character is obnoxious, there's no plot, there are a million pointless monologues, some rando shows up for one scene and slits her wrists in Gigli's kitchen, the score is hideous, the writing is garbage, and we're pretty sure a brick wall and a cactus would have better chemistry than Ben and Jen.

Now, two very important things need to be addressed: the uses of Brian's mental handicap and Ricki's lesbianism. Both of these traits, for want of a better word, seem to only exist as foils for Gigli to overcome, which is downright offensive. Gigli spends most of his time around Brian yelling at him, and calls him names. The whole approach towards Brian -- the most charming character in the entire movie -- reeks of, "Oh, jeez, gotta babysit the retard." Really? REALLY? 

Is that supposed to be Gigli's character development? Learning to act like a human being towards Brian? It must be, since Gigli falling in love with Ricki sure as hell doesn't count. When he first questions Ricki's orientation, in the douchiest, most misogynistic way possible, he tells her how women can never really be satisfied sexually without a penis getting involved. My first thought was, "Oh, he doesn't understand oral at all, does he?" which Ricki then pointed out, and then she explained -- in a stressfully long-winded speech -- the appeal of going down on a vagina. As straight ladies, this was certainly a different perspective for Sarah and I to hear in a mainstream movie, but there were some questions:

1) Ricki's main point was that everyone, man or woman, wants to kiss someone on the lips because that's basically what a vagina looks like. Can anyone who's attracted to vaginas clear this up for us? Because neither of us equates a vagina with a mouth and wants to kiss it...
2) I call shenanigans on that being her main point, because I don't believe there's a woman on this planet, especially not a lesbian, who would wax poetic about labia for ten minutes and completely ignore the clitoris.

Anyway, Gigli's all, "Oh, you just haven't had a guy treat you right!" The fact that they run away together in the end serves to prove him right. We didn't believe their romance for a second, both because of their lack of spark and the fact that the movie presented no reasons in Gigli's character for Ricki to fall for him, other than the fact that he was there. Sure, sexuality can be fluid, but this particular display just fosters that age-old, Frustrated Straight Man Rage towards lesbians with the sexist notion that women only choose women because they never found the right man.

The Best Part: Justin Bartha, Christopher Walken, and Al Pacino are in this movie, and they're great.

The Worst Part: Everything else.

Sarah apologized multiple times for suggesting we do Gigli next. However, it had to be done, and now it never, ever, ever has to happen again.

Ben Affleck, you're an Oscar-winning writer. How could you have read this script and thought this was something you needed to be part of? Shame on you, Ben Affleck. SHAME ON YOU.

It's an F-.

Sarah: "I'm really upset about everything we just watched. I think I need to go to bed."
Jasmyn: "No! We're going to churn out this review. I don't wanna think about this movie past tonight."

(Poster and trailer © Revolution Studios)

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 2

What better way to end our hiatus than by saying a special farewell to this s***show once and for all?

For all our coverage on the Twilight series -- because other than the actual movie titles, we refuse to call this insanity a "saga" -- here are links to our previous thoughts:

--Edward Cullen is a fan of breaking-and-entering
--Jacob Black is having a really bizarre time with puberty
--No means no! Bad dog! *swats with newspaper*
--Pro-choice? Pro-life? WHATEVER! Bella's OK with dying, and we're OK with her dying too

Directed By: Bill Condon (Dreamgirls, Kinsey, Breaking Dawn, Part 1)
Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, and a CGI baby
Plot Summary: "OMG, she should have been a vampire the whole time! This is WAY better than Human Bella and how f***ing pathetic she was!"

When we last saw Bella Cullen, she died in childbirth after a violent pregnancy straight from the anus of Satan's nightmares. Her vampire husband, Edward, tried to save her life by biting the hell out of her and injecting her with his venom. Bella's pet werewolf, Jacob, sat outside on the front porch, howling over her death, until he marched back inside to be angry at someone and imprinted on the newborn baby instead. The rest of her in-laws stood around ominously. Then... Bella's wrecked, malnourished body finally took to Edward's venom, and makeup and hair mousse sprouted out of her, and she awoke, red-eyed and all, as a vampire.

It's about time. Bella's been trying to reach this point since the day she realized Edward wasn't human, and for reasons having to do with saving a soul she clearly doesn't want, and utilizing courting patterns from his Victorian-ish youth, Edward refused to turn her until they were out of school and married. Now that her heart's stopped beating, Bella can't get enough of being undead, and relishes her newfound physical capabilities. We have to admit: we like Bella so much more in this final installment. She's nowhere near a three-dimensional character, of course, as her life's -- death's? -- motivation has never wavered from Edward. But her helplessness was always one of the biggest issues in her character, and now that "protect Bella!" isn't anyone's main concern anymore, we can stop watching her angst and move on.

SEVERAL OBSERVATIONS MADE AS WE WATCHED
--"So, becoming a vampire gives you eyeshadow? She looks great!"
--"I DO NOT NEED ANOTHER CLOSE-UP OF THAT TACKY-ASS RING!"
--"She did NOT just kill a mountain lion. No. That is not real."
--"What's with the f***ing CGI baby?" / "I'm going to have nightmares about this."
--"The baby's growth rate is accelerated. Like a cancerous tumor."
--"This is the best thing she has ever done to Jacob! BEAT THE S*** OUT OF HIM, BELLA! JUST FOR ME!"
--"I know we've had this conversation before, but how does vampire sex actually work?" / "I don't know. No heartbeat means no bloodflow, no bloodflow means no boners. I can't explain it."
--"No, really, the baby HAD to be CGI?"
--"Oh no, she can smell her human dad and she wants to eat him! This is a bad plan! WHAT IF HE HUGS HER? Charlie, no!" / "Charlie is the only one that has made this series worthwhile!"
--"Who the f*** are all these people?"
--"God, that Magic Mike body on Jacob, though."
--"You can tell RPattz is enjoying this so much more, now that it's the last one."
--"Where's Jane? I wanna see Jane f*** people up."
--"Are these the type of vampires who need permission to enter a house?" / "No, remember how Edward used to climb in her window and stalk her in her sleep?"
--"Where are Jasper and Alice? I miss them."
--"WAIT, IS THAT--?" / "IS THAT JOE ANDERSON? OH, JESUSF***, WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?!"
--"Okay, Rapey-Looking Patriot Guy is definitely that adorable man from Pushing Daisies."
--"What the f*** is up with this Transylvanian Draco Malfoy dude?"
--"I think Aro just jizzed in his cloak. Inexplicably, I hope he lives through all this."

"No, for serious, WHY IS THE BABY CGI? SHE'S BOTHERING THE F*** OUTTA ME!"

Renesmee Carlie Cullen, Bella and Edward's baby daughter, named for all her grandparents (Renee + Esme, then Carlisle + Charlie), spends her first chunk of screentime with a computerized face. Presumably, this is to ensure that she is preternaturally beautiful, as Stephenie Meyer no doubt described her, and to ensure she looks as close as possible to KStew, RPattz, and the stunning young actress (Mackenzie Foy) who plays her for most of the movie. It's distracting as all hell, and couldn't possibly look right, even if we'd watched this drunk.

Infant Renesmee's weird-ass face isn't the biggest problem in the story, of course. The real issue is that some hater-bitch named Irina, one of Edward's coven-cousins, spots little Renesmee frolicking in the snow and thinks, "Holy roasted balls, the Cullens made a vampire baby!" This is a crime punishable by death, as vampire children have been outlawed by the Volturi due to their uncontrollable nature. (It's hard to teach restraint to a super-powered, bloodthirsty four-year-old, after all.) Irina rats to the Volturi, who decide immediately that the appropriate price must be paid, but here's the catch: Renesmee is NOT an immortal child, as she was born, not turned, and grows every day -- like, really grows, becoming an elementary-age child in a matter of months. Anyway, it's a classic tale of misinformed gossip folks f***ing things up for everybody.

Now that Jacob has imprinted on Renesmee as his soulmate (which he insists isn't weird, and that his imprinting is platonic, like a devoted older brother), he's her chief protector. Initially, Bella's enraged when she finds out he imprinted, because for the first time in this whole series, she finds something as creepy as the audience does. (If you missed the link on imprinting above, check the madness out here, particularly the stages of this process.) Alice and Jasper are nowhere to be found, having run off somewhere to take care of something. So the Volturi show up to murder everybody: Renesmee, all the rest of the Cullens, and all the vampire witnesses they've gathered to attest to the fact that Renesmee isn't what the Volturi think she is. Bella's in protective-mommy mode, which is totally helped by her newly-discovered power: the ability to shield herself and whoever she wants from supernatural influence. (This is why Edward and Aro could never read her mind, and why Jane can't inflict pain on her.)

After the Volturi and their army show up, Alice and Jasper reappear on the battlefield to provide evidence that Renesmee won't be a threat to vampire secrecy. They present another human-vampire hybrid, some dude from Brazil, who stopped aging once he reached physical adulthood and can live off either human food or blood. Here's a special set of reactions from us around this point in the game (and a reminder that this is not a spoiler-free blog), when things escalated into a full-on war and everyone was dying violently:

OUR REACTIONS TO THE SUDDEN DEATH SPREE:
--"Carlisle! CARLISLE! OMG, NO! YOU ARE F***ING S***TING ME! NONONONONONONONONO!"
--"THAT DID NOT JUST HAPPEN!" / "WHAT THE F***?!"
--"Oh no, not Jasper, not him, nooo..." / "NOOOOO!" / "ARE YOU SERIOUS?! NO F***ING WAY!" / "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I DON'T UNDERSTAND!"
--"I AM SO UPSET! WHY DID THEY KILL MY TWO FAVORITE CULLENS!?" / "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS!"
--"AWW, was that the wolf puppy they killed?!" / "I think so!" / "Why do they keep killing children!? COME THE F*** ON, TWILIGHT!"
--"Bye, Jane!"
--"It's strange that they can just pull off their heads..."
--"I'm less eager for the Volturi to live." / "Me too. Aro's not safe with me now. He can't kill Carlisle like that and get away with it."

But wait! As we were way too relieved to discover, the big battle that the promos have alluded to doesn't actually happen. After this crazy carnage, when Aro's head is off, it flashes back to the semi-calm battle field, before the fighting, when Alice has appeared. It turns out that Alice, with her ability to see the future, was just showing Aro, a mind-reader, what would happen if he didn't let them all go safely. So, having seen his own decapitation at the hands of Bella Cullen, Aro rethinks his judgement and everyone gets to walk away. Edward and Bella go back to the meadow, and since Bella has reached enough proficiency with her shield that she can turn it off, she lets Edward into her head and shows him how much she loves him. Everybody lives happily ever after, and we never have to do this again.

The Best Part: Bella's vampire transformation made her so much more likeable. Her aggravating damsel-in-distress status was gone, nobody had to watch out for her, and she wasn't whining about being human. Vampire Bella was far more rational and proactive. Plus, the hypothetical fight sequence was insane.

Also, Aro unleashes the most outrageous, creepy, crazy laugh when he finally meets Renesmee and discovers she's a natural hybrid, and it is the greatest thing to happen in any Twilight movie, ever. If you thought Voldemort was awkward about expressing delight, here's a grainy comparison we found, because, of course, Summit laid the smackdown on nearly all footage of this hysterical Aro situation:

The Worst Part: That f***ing CGI baby. And you can't tell us that imprinting on a newborn infant isn't disgusting. Stephenie Meyer Jacob, stop trying to rationalize it, because you sound like a pedophile.

We feel fantastic about this being over. While the Twilight series has provided us with more hours -- nay, DAYS of amusement than we ever thought possible, it's best for everyone if this continues no further. With that said, we give Breaking Dawn, Part 2 an A-. So, to recap:

Twilight: B
New Moon: D-
Eclipse: B+
Breaking Dawn, Part 1: D
Breaking Dawn, Part 2: A-

We'll leave you with Robert Pattinson's blatant hatred for the bats*** crazy, pop culture behemoth that has consumed his life since 2007. Bless you, Rob, and may you never lose your existence to anything like this ever again. We like you. Fly free.

(Poster and trailer © Summit Entertainment)

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1

I don't think Sarah and I have ever been at such a loss. We watched this over a week ago and couldn't figure out what to say until yesterday. We still aren't sure what happened here.

(Here are our thoughts on the original seed, the ugly middle child no one wanted, and the drug-addled brother no one mentions at family gatherings.)



Directed By: Bill Condon (Kinsey, Dreamgirls)
Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner
Plot Summary: "Oh, she thinks she threw up because of the chicken? Ha. No, Bella, it's not the chicken. You f***ing WISH it was the chicken."

Watch the trailer. That's all you need to know at this point.

Observations Made As We Watched:
--"Did she just say, 'Childhood is the kingdom where nobody dies?'" / "She must not have read Bridge to Terabithia."
--"Come on, Edward, you can't hunt in a crowded theater during Nosferatu. That's just mean." / "Or brilliant."
--"Damn, this is a pretty wedding."
--"STEPHENIE F***ING MEYER!"
--"I don't think Jacob made it to the ceremony. We would've noticed the lone shirtless man standing in the back, flexing for no reason."
--"This is surreal, even for Twilight. Seriously, this feels crazy."
--"I don't understand how so many people are concerned for her life when she clearly isn't."
--"Wait, was that all?! I thought it was supposed to be on the verge of an R rating for that scene!"
--"Why don't they just have sex in the water if they're doing all this swimming? He won't hurt her like that, will he?"
--"Here's where Stephenie Meyer would like to discuss Planned Parenthood."
--"Why do the wolves talk like Thor?"
--"Bella looks like she's been doing some serious smack." / "Is there such a thing as non-serious smack?"
--"That was the worst thing that's ever happened in a Twilight movie."
--"Did Carlisle just buy a gynecology office to put in his house?"
--"Ha, they think 'Renesmee' is bad? Ask Albus Severus Potter about that one."
--"WHAT THE F***?!"
--"Seriously, Edward, is this faster than a knife?"

"AAAAAHHHH THERE IS PLACENTA ON HIS FACE -- IN HIS MOUTH -- OH, GOD!!!"

If you ever want to scare a girl into not getting pregnant, make her watch this movie. It contains the most traumatic pregnancy and birth scenes either of us have ever watched. It was sheer horror.

That being said, there are a lot of pro-life/pro-choice debates being thrown around here, and Stephenie Meyer sidesteps the two by making it Bella's choice to endure the potentially-fatal pregnancy. Bella and Rosalie want the baby delivered at all costs -- the main cost being Bella's life, which Bella has been trying to throw away since day one. She's going to hold on as long as she can, then try to be saved at the last minute by Edward turning her. Edward, Alice and Jacob want the demon-fetus aborted immediately, because it's quickly killing Bella from the inside out, and Edward won't love it -- let alone accept it -- if it takes her away from him. He has stated numerous times that she's his "reason for existing," after all.

Carlisle notifies Bella that the venom probably won't be enough in the eleventh hour, and Bella just shrugs it off and tells Edward he has to accept life without her. (EXCUSE ME?! We've sat through at least six hours of you two proclaiming how you can't live without each other! In fact, two movies ago, EDWARD TRIED TO KILL HIMSELF because he thought you were dead! Maybe it's because neither Sarah nor I are mothers, but seriously, what is that bulls***?!) We respect Bella not wanting to kill her baby/demon-fetus, but there's also an argument for Edward's perspective here, which is that Bella's life is more important. Anyway, the movie quite obviously brings up a lot of sticky issues, but at least both sides are somewhat represented here, as opposed to the Mormon Values party Meyer's been staging the entire time.

The Best Part: Charlie Swan (Billy Burke) has been wrestling with Bella's relationship with Edward from the start, and his struggle to let her go makes us so sad for him. Especially when Bella gets pregnant and gives birth in the span of a month without Charlie knowing. Bella makes up some story about going to a treatment facility in Switzerland because she's been struck with some mysterious illness, but really, what were they planning on telling Bella's family once she was turned? As Jacob says (and this is probably the best thing Jacob's ever said because of the matter-of-fact way he says it), "Maybe they'll say she got hit by a car. Fell off a cliff."

The Worst Part: There is a segment where the wolf pack, all in wolf form, argues telepathically over what to do about Bella's and Edward's spawn, which they can't allow to exist. The scene itself is inexplicable. Why are they all speaking to each other as wolves when they're in an utterly secluded area? Why was the voice-over work for this so hilariously horrendous, causing them all to sound like steroid-ridden monsters at the top of somebody's beanstalk? Wouldn't it have been cheaper on the studio to just have them meet up as humans? Who let this leave the editing room?

We give Breaking Dawn: Part 1 a D. It was either a great modern horror movie, or a wretched social commentary about feminism and the pro-choice argument, but we don't think either of those outcomes was the intention.

Jasmyn: "See, Deathly Hallows decides to be two movies, and we get 2.5 hours of epic quality each. This s*** just went bonkers for an hour and a half, and then it's gonna do it again."

PS: Check out our baby Facebook page and 'Like' Camp or Crap? if you haven't already! You can also 'Like' us from the "Camp or Crap? on Facebook" sidebar to the right of the blog.

(Poster and trailer © Summit Entertainment)

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

We had to keep going. We had to.

(To see where it all started, and then where it got worse, take a trip down memory lane with our reactions to Twilight and New Moon.)

We're going to give you both trailers, because they represent two very different movies that have been mashed into one:




Directed By: David Slade (Hard Candy, 30 Days of Night)
Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner
Plot Summary: "Oh, it's just a fantastic battle of wits on top of Mt. Dumbass."

In case you're lucky enough to have never heard of Team Edward and Team Jacob, be aware that Bella Swan's stuck in the middle of the stupidest love triangle since a guitar and a turkey sub fought over Elvis Presley. Jacob, the obnoxious werewolf, loves Bella and wants her to choose him over Edward, her emo vampire boyfriend. "It's Edward. It's always been Edward," Bella told him in the last movie, but here he is, spraying the walls with testosterone and making idiotic macho comments as often as he can. Edward's pretty chill in this one, since New Moon's Italian Suicide Extravaganza didn't turn out well for anyone, and he can't really focus on Jacob at the moment. Edward's preoccupied with worry over the army that's coming to brutally revenge-murder his entire family, with Bella at the center of the carnage, for the killing of Crazy Victoria's mate from the first movie.

Observations Made As We Watched:
--"He is rather pretty when he sparkles... Let's call him Sunshine Sparkle. No, wait, is that a My Little Pony?"
--"Jacob gets really rapey in this movie."
--"Is the divorce rate lower between vampire/human couples because they just kill the human if they want a divorce?"
--"Edward looks psychotic in this scene. Real f***ing crazy."
--"I'm still wondering how the hell Charlie let her go out with Edward again. I mean, I realize nothing would've stopped her, if he'd said she couldn't date Edward. But... wow, Charlie. He's a cop, where's his goddamn authority?"
--"Emmett needs to calm down. Or die, I don't care either way."
--"Seriously, Jacob, put some clothes on, you are being indecent!"
--"I wish Wolverine would just come in and end this."
--"What is this Evian water bottle scenery?"
--"Bulls***, Jacob didn't make that charm for her, he bought it at the casino." / "...Okay, we're gonna pretend that insane racism didn't just happen."
--"BELLA, YOU ARE CLUMSY AND STUPID AND HAVE NO PURPOSE IN A FIGHT AMONG MYTHICAL CREATURES!"
--"Yes, Jacob, you do make her nervous. Because rapists make people nervous. You are not special."
--"To Bella, 'Edward is old-school' means, 'I'm horny as f*** all the time, but my vampire boyfriend is a vegetarian so he won't put meat in my taco.'"

"Okay, this is weird, but I think vampire fangs are attractive. I wish Edward had them, but that's also because I wish he were more frightening as a vampire."

Oddly enough, three movies in, we've never addressed the problem of Edward's physicality. He's so delicate-looking. In the words of Robert Pattinson himself, "How scary could ths guy be? He's got lipstick and a little bouffant... He rolls up in a Volvo in his customized peacoat... Never trust a guy who waxes his eyebrows." Bella's more butch than Edward is, frankly, but since her fragility is the center of this entire saga, she won't be of any use. And wasn't that the point of the first two movies? That Bella was in danger because she was around Edward, because Edward couldn't quite control himself around her? That he could kill her at any moment if he slipped up? Wasn't that why this whole "forbidden love" thing was supposed to be interesting? Wasn't that why Jacob was supposed to be a viable alternative? Edward's lack of menace means there's less at stake than there's supposed to be, and although we're now past that point, story-wise, it would've made the whole series better. We didn't see him try to kill his girlfriend nearly as much as we should have, and we're not just saying that because we can't stand Bella.

We have to admit: We refuse to bother with the rest of the series, but we did read Midnight Sun, Stephenie Meyer's fanfiction alternate version of the first book, written from Edward's point of view. It contains a very long internal monologue where Edward plots, in graphic detail, how to murder Bella and everyone else in their biology classroom because he's completely overcome with the scent of her blood. It's pure, violent insanity (though normal for a vampire), and as odd as it sounds, that dynamic has always been the best part of this whole clusterf***. It's no different here: as noted in the second trailer, above, everything comes to a head with a battle during the final act of the movie. The brawl between the newborn vampire army and the Cullens/Quilieutes -- plus, Edward's final showdown with Victoria -- finally lends some action to this bad romance. Without it, it's just more angst and obsession all over again.

The Best Part: Jasper and Rosalie, Edward's adoptive siblings, who tried to kill Bella over a papercut and generally dislike her, respectively, finally tell their pre-Cullen backstories. Jasper, a Confederate soldier in the Civil War, was turned into a vampire by a manipulative woman much like Victoria, and used as a bloodthirsty killing machine until Alice found him. Rosalie was gang-raped by her fiance and his friends and left to die; Dr. Cullen found her and turned her in order to save her life. Then Rosalie, who has always hated being a vampire, threw a homicide party until every one of her attackers was dead, saving her fiance for last so he'd know she was coming. This context for each of their characters was quite welcome. Jasper's always been the most dangerous Cullen (his desire to bite Bella's face off has been noted, then demonstrated, in the past two movies), and although we agree with Rosalie's dislike of Bella, it was good to hear why: Rosalie, who has always wanted children and a family to grow old with, envies Bella's humanity, and she can't believe Bella would choose to be a monster, frozen in time and never moving forward with life.

The Worst Part: (Obviously, the continuing love triangle, AKA what the entire story is about, but that goes without saying at this point.) Kristen Stewart cut and dyed her hair to play Joan Jett in The Runaways, but for some reason, no one seemed to put decent wigs in the movie budget for Eclipse. You'd think they'd learn from Taylor Lautner's wretched wigs in the first 1.5 movies, or from Jackson Rathbone's (Jasper's) poodle-esque hair failures up until this point. Actually, scratch that. Nearly EVERYONE who is not wearing their natural hair in these movies has had to endure some kind of mousse-crazy lacefront hairline fiasco. Here are the two worst victims, K. Stew and Peter Facinelli (Dr. Cullen), with their real hair from the first movie and the dead possums glued to their heads for Eclipse:

(Guuuuuuuuurrrrl...)

(Come on, y'all, Carlisle has been a wealthy doctor for centuries.
Stop making him look like he's being groomed in a drive-thru window at Supercuts.)

Overall, Eclipse is not that bad. The action half does a good job evening out the romantic angst, and even those parts are kind of hilarious this time around. (Especially the scene where Edward flips a s*** after Bella breaks her hand punching Jacob in the face, because Jacob missed "No Means No" Day in health class and force-kissed her.) We give it a B+.

PS: Is anyone sure they didn't just take Jacob's old wig and recycle it?

(Poster and trailer © Summit Entertainment)

The Twilight Saga: New Moon

Good lord. This one is... just... ugh. (Check out our thoughts on the original Twilight here.)



Directed By: Chris Weitz (About a Boy, The Golden Compass)
Starring: Kristen Stewart, Taylor Lautner, and Robert Pattinson
Plot Summary: "They're trying to trick people into thinking that there's a plot. Or that Edward's there for more than twelve minutes."

When New Moon begins, it's Bella's 18th birthday, and she's having a crisis about turning one year older because Edward refuses to turn her. You'd think her obsession with her far-older, half-dead man would render this irrelevant, but Bella's freaking out because she wants to be frozen at the same point Edward is, at age 17. Ignoring Bella's pleas to not remind her that she's aging, Edward's sister Alice puts together a birthday party at the Cullens' house. There's a completely overblown accident with some wrapping paper, and Edward's brother/Alice's boyfriend Jasper tries to kill Bella when he gets a whiff of her blood dripping from her finger. Edward flips a s*** and the Cullens leave town, plunging Bella into a wretched depression and allowing Jacob to stroll in and pick up the pieces.

Let's take a moment to really lay out the depression situation in this movie. Bella sits around and doesn't speak to her dad, Charlie, or her friends, for at least three months, as the Spinning Camera Montage of Despair tells us. She has nightmares that cause her to scream like a goat being skinned alive (seriously, we can't figure out what on Earth she could've been seeing to make those noises). Every single day, she writes emails to Alice, and each of those emails gets sent back with that "undeliverable; return to sender" tag, since the Cullens have completely disappeared.

After awhile, Bella starts hanging out with Jacob, fixing motorcycles, and eating lunch with her friends at school again. She says it helps, but eventually this leads to Bella becoming an adrenaline junkie. How? Well, every time Bella engages in a near-death experience, she sees Edward telling her to be safe and not do anything stupid, as he made her promise when he left her. These visions of Edward are strangely responsive to each particular NDE for some reason, but whatever. The point is that Bella catapults off a motorcycle, hitting her head in the process, and jumps off a cliff and nearly drowns, just so she can see Edward again. Bella is so pathetic that it's downright disgusting, but meanwhile, Romeo & Juliet-obsessed Edward is starving himself to death in Brazil because he's away from her, so if anyone deserves each other, it's these two.

Observations Made As We Watched:
 --"He's a 109-year-old virgin, no wonder he breaks everything when they finally do it."
--"Jacob Black is a butterface."
--"You'd think vampires would be more careful about saying 'humans' the way we'd say 'pets.'"
--"Who the f*** gets a papercut that goes that deep?" / "And from WRAPPING PAPER?"
--"This bitch is crazy."
--"I'm completely against banning books, but I don't think I'd let my kids read Twilight."
--"The screaming is my favorite."
--"Sarah? Sarah! Wake up! ...Did you fall asleep and I'm sitting here watching this?! SARAH, THIS IS TREASON!"

"Oh, this storyline makes sense. Because all vaguely-ethnic friends are mechanics."

For anyone who doesn't know, Edward Cullen is absent from 80% of this movie. The rest is about Bella missing Edward while Jacob tries and fails to convince her that he's the right boy for her. (This is half the plot of the next movie, too, except Edward's present the entire time.) Taylor Lautner gets to shed that vomitacious wig, and since he buffed up in order to not lose his job when they wanted to recast him for someone older, he spends a fair chunk of his screen time shirtless. He's so shirtless that his Barbie doll comes shirtless too.

(Certainly an improvement, but that doesn't save Jacob from being obnoxious.)

Anyway, since Jacob's Native American tribe, the Quileutes, are "descended from wolves," Jacob discovers his identity as a massive werewolf and is forced into a pack of other short-haired, shirtless Quileute boys. He also becomes an obsessive, raging protector of Bella, like a trigger-happy Rottweiler. When Alice returns and Edward calls Bella's house, fearing Bella's death (because Alice has visions of the future and she saw Bella jump off that cliff ), Jacob tells Edward -- in true Balthasar style -- that Bella is dead. Granted, Balthasar thought Juliet was really dead, and Jacob did it out of spite, but in any case, Edward decides it's time to die. He did, after all, tell Bella at her birthday party, "You're my only reason to stay alive, if that's what I am." Edward's plan is to make the Volturi, the vampire elders, kill him for revealing himself to a crowd of humans, which would violate vampire law. Alice sees his plan, she and Bella immediately fly to Italy and steal a Ferrari (WTF?), and Bella stops Edward in the nick of time. Yay, now this crapfest can continue for another three movies!

The Best Part: In an inexplicable casting coup, the producers somehow got Michael Sheen involved as the Volturi leader, Aro, who can read every thought a person has ever had, just by touching them. He slinks around with a smile that somehow manages to be innocent while simultaneously predatory. Then, he instructs one of his vampires, Jane (Dakota Fanning, as glacial as she could possibly get), to torture Edward and Bella with her power, which is Stephenie Meyer's equivalent of the Cruciatus curse. Bella is apparently immune to supernatural manipulation, as neither Edward nor Aro can read her mind, and Jane fails to cause her physical pain. (Plot Hole Alert: Earlier in the movie, Bella responds to Jasper's power to manipulate emotions when she agrees to have that ill-fated birthday party.) Anyway, Aro's dumbfounded-yet-fascinated reaction when he realizes that he can't read anything from Bella is the sort of twisted, fantastic moment that can occur when seasoned thespians show up in Twilight movies. It's also the same sort of spark that happens during Anna Kendrick's scenes as Jessica, Bella's hilariously insecure, sarcastic classmate.

The Worst Part: Bella. Seriously, if you know that there are vampires and all sorts of things out there that want you dead, why wouldn't you learn to defend yourself instead of hoping one of your stalkers shows up at the right time? Why wouldn't you carry wooden stakes in your purse? She lives in the damn woods; it's not hard to get them. It's one thing to be at a disadvantage because you're dealing with vampires and werewolves, who could physically tear humans from limb to limb. It's another to insist upon being weak and helpless, which is exactly how Bella chooses to not handle her problems.

It's a D- for New Moon.

(Poster and trailer © Summit Entertainment)

27 Dresses

Going into this, it must be noted that Sarah likes romantic comedies, and I (Jasmyn) actively hate them. In fact, the first time we saw this movie, in theaters, Sarah had seen it already (but wanted to see The Diving Bell and the Butterfly), and I was hell-bent on seeing Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. Unfortunately, every movie except 27 Dresses was sold out, because Hannah Montana in Concert premiered that night and all the tweens' parents had swarmed the rest of the theater. Sarah wasn't pleased, but I was PISSED.



Directed By: Anne Fletcher (The Proposal, Step Up)
Starring: Katherine Heigl and James Marsden
Plot Summary: "Katherine Heigl's really good at playing career-driven, self-righteous, accidentally self-sacrificing bitches."

There is nothing that gets in the way of a solid romantic comedy (with a good script by Aline Brosh McKenna, who also wrote The Devil Wears Prada) faster than Katherine Heigl. Her character, Jane, the woman who has infamously been a bridesmaid or maid-of-honor 27 times, is one of those people who can never say no. She, like all of Heigl's characters, is always put-upon. The only difference between Jane and Alison (Knocked Up), Abby (The Ugly Truth), or Holly (Life As We Know It) is that Jane is slightly more pathetic. She's just as passive-aggressive as the others, but Jane's closer to the passive end of the spectrum. The closer we inspected the plot developments and dialogue of these roles, collectively, we found that the characters themselves weren't that problematic. Heigl, however, gives everyone she plays an anal, bitchy twist with a sense of entitlement, so if Anne Hathaway, Drew Barrymore, or even Reese Witherspoon had starred in these movies instead, the characters wouldn't be so grating. Heigl's portrayals always become reenactments of The Taming of the Shrew, so she makes ambitious women look bad.

Observations Made As We Watched:
We had a lot of thoughts about how irritating Heigl is, but that's mostly it, except:

"JAMES MARSDEN IS HEEEERE!"

Casting the leads was another big issue with this movie. We didn't believe Edward Burns as Jane's eco-friendly, outdoorsy dream guy (because it was easier to see him in a 5-episode arc as a WASPy, Upper East Side love interest on Gossip Girl), and we didn't believe Malin Akerman as Jane's spoiled, manipulative sister (because that character could've been a great antagonist, but Akerman plays her so flatly). When we're supposed to understand why Jane's obsessed with George, and supposed to root for Jane to triumph over Tess, but neither is interesting, that's a problem. The exception to this problem is James Marsden, who plays Kevin, the cynical shrew-tamer for this particular venture. That man could play a Tourette's-riddled Nazi with rickets and make him charming.

The Best Part: As a romantic comedy, it was a very solid script. Also, Judy Greer shows up for about 15 minutes, and any Judy Greer appearance, in any movie, is a scene-stealer.

The Worst Part: Katherine Heigl.

With a different actress, this would be a B. In fact, we might've left it alone entirely. However, because it is what it is, with Heigl destroying everything, it's a C+.

(Poster and trailer © 20th Century Fox)

A Walk to Remember

For those of us who had just reached adolescence when this movie came out, it was the most tragic-romantic movie any of us had ever seen, because we were too young to truly appreciate the "Leonardo DiCaprio dies" tragedies of the late '90s (Titanic and Romeo & Juliet).



Directed By: Adam Shankman (Hairspray, The Wedding Planner)
Starring: Shane West and Mandy Moore
Plot Summary: "Is she hanging out in a cemetery to get used to it?"

The movie starts out like any other teen movie that came out in 2004 might've started, with a group of attractive rabble-rousers being their "cool" selves. Then it derails into Nicholas Sparks Land ("Wouldn't that be the WORST THEME PARK EVER?!"), where someone has a terminal illness and the other person's life is completely changed by the power of love. Nevermind the contrived plot that the unfortunately busy Mr. Sparks has thrown into it. Over-acting and fake tears abound.

Observations Made As We Watched:
--"Why is she looking like a f***ing Jedi in that cape?"
--"I seriously don't remember it being this bad."
--"WHY IS DARYL HANNAH HERE?!"
--"I once dated a guy whose favorite movie was A Walk To Remember, should've been a red flag..."

"This is the part when everyone starts bawling."

The thing about a movie like this is that it's solely designed to be a tearjerker. And it served its purpose when we were 14, but the levels of ridiculousness have become shockingly apparent since then. One of us even burst out laughing in the middle of the movie because she thought about it a little too long.

We've got to give it to Mandy Moore for making such a great drama debut, though. Nobody expected her to be as good as she was, even if half the soundtrack is dedicated to making us remember Moore's star status. And another thing about the soundtrack: it's either fantastic or terrible. You're either soaring on the swelling chorus of a Switchfoot song (did we not all lose our s*** over "Dare You to Move" back in the day?), or you're vomiting into your popcorn at the over-the-top, stereotypical piano interlude. Emotional manipulation, natch.

The Best Part: Hands-down, Mandy Moore.

The Worst Part: The intro. It seems like it belongs to an entirely different movie, and even though it speaks to the amount that Jamie later changes Landon, it's bad on its own two feet.

For its relentless melodrama, boring plot, and sub-par acting, we give it a D (atrocious). It has its moments of really funny dialogue, and Shane West is fake-crying his eyeballs out, but let's face it: It's not the movie we remember from our freshman year of high school. Nowhere near it.

(Poster and trailer © Warner Bros. Entertainment, Inc.)

Twilight

For our inaugural "Camp Or Crap?" screening, what else could we choose but the infamous Twilight? Vampires have pervaded pop culture in a way similar to herpes, in that it has these seemingly random flare-ups that no one ever sees coming and never fully disappear. To be fair, however... one of us owns this DVD and has seen it no less than eight times.



Directed by: Catherine Hardwicke (Lords of Dogtown, Thirteen)
Starring: Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson
Plot Summary: "Creepers gotta creep."

This movie starts with one of the worst-written monologues in recent years. Not to mention the fact that the story, if you want to call it that, revolves around one of the worst fictional characters EVER: Bella Swan. A teenage girl with no goals, no personal interests other than cactuses and dead people, and one singular thought process: "EDWAAAAAAAAAAARD!" People hate Kristen Stewart for some weird reason, but Stewart's not the issue. She's playing the character as she's written. Bella is weak and irritating, and there's no way of getting around that. How teenage girls idolize this chick is beyond us.

Observations Made As We Watched:
--"There is SO MUCH PLAID in this movie... I understand they're in Washington, but IT'S EVERYWHERE!"
--"If you were a hundred and nine years old, why would you wear your hair like that?"
--"He wants to be a real actor so bad." / "I know, I'm pulling for him."
--"Everyone looks dead. Indistinguishably so, from the vampires. Like, why does that Hispanic girl look gray?"
--"What is his thought process here? 'I cannot murder you, so we must obviously be friends.'"
--"The only way Jacob's wig could be worse is if they made it with yarn."
--"So the one black kid in Forks is the one who almost kills her?"
--"I feel like this might be a better movie if the 8 Mile soundtrack were laid over it."
--"Hahaha, this is f***ing ridiculous, how is he scaring these guys? 17-year-old boy with a bouffant and lipstick and a peacoat rolls up in a Volvo?"

"I don't blame them for this movie, it's just terrible writing."

And that, everyone, is the crux of what is so deeply wrong here. At a certain point, we realized that in the moments when he wasn't saying anything, and just being Edward, Robert Pattinson was the most charming part of the whole movie. (Excluding the creeptastic, "I like to stand in the corner of your room and watch you sleep" thing, because nothing could make that okay.) He and Stewart are trying their hardest to be sincere, and play against the melodrama as much as they can, but no actor can save himself/herself from Stephenie Meyer. This wasn't a case of bad adaptation. This was a spot-on adaptation from a terrible author. "So the lion fell in love with the lamb..." WHAT?! Bella's not a lamb and Edward's not a lion. More like an earthworm with a shortage of personality and a bat with a surplus of hair gel.

The Best Part: Pattinson. Not because we think he's beautiful, but because he's doing what he can with what he's been given. Even the bizarre "spider monkey" moment has a sweet sense of humor to it.

The Worst Part: The ten-minute sequence in the middle of the movie, when Bella reveals to Edward that she knows he's a vampire, and Edward tries (unsuccessfully) to demonstrate how scary he is. Bad writing, awkward editing, horrific camera work... It's really a shame, because our favorite line in the movie takes place during this part:

"How old are you?"
"Seventeen."
"How long have you been seventeen?"
"...A while."

Overall, we give it a B (so bad, it's good). For all its production issues and stalking/necrophilia/pedophilia/bestiality undertones, Twilight is truly hilarious. We laughed out loud watching this one, and even if the protagonist isn't a character anyone wants to see more than once, her leading man's mojo more than makes up for it.

(Poster and trailer © Summit Entertainment)