300

That's the entire story.



Directed By: Zack Snyder (Watchmen, Sucker Punch)
Starring: Gerard Butler, Lena Headey and David Wenham
Plot Summary: "I can't believe how long this movie is. It clearly doesn't have enough story for two hours."

Observations Made As We Watched:
--"Are we pretending this weird, slightly Asian-looking kid grows up to look like Gerard Butler?" / "This dude looks like the Last Airbender."
--"Did they just quote Galaxy Quest?"
--"I don't think Hollywood filmmakers have a grasp of what Persia was."
--"Who's narrating?" / "Faramir from Lord of the Rings."
--"Gerard, I like you so much better with your real accent. Because that is auditory sex."
--"Geography and physics are lost on whoever made this movie." / "Psh, Zack Snyder doesn't do physics."
--"Why do all these dudes have herpes of the face?"
--"Wait a f***ing minute, MICHAEL FASSBENDER'S IN THIS MOVIE?!"
--"Whatever effects they used on her boobs make them look like part of a novelty t-shirt."
--"Was that goat playing the guitar?"
--"I wish Orlando Bloom was in this movie." / "Oh my God, yes! That's what this needs! Orlando Bloom staring at nothing!"

"These battles are either like a lame video game or a really weird dream."

If anyone expected this movie to be historically accurate, we'd venture a guess that they were disappointed. Sofia Coppola's Marie Antoinette would even win that argument. However, since it's easy to forget about logic, physics, geography and history in a Zack Snyder movie, we might be able to let that slide. Snyder's got a death grip on how to heighten reality to the point that "reality" becomes a loose term (for reference, please see: ANY OF HIS OTHER MOVIES). All the shirtless men had their abs digitally enhanced, which is one of the more ridiculous uses of CGI we've seen in awhile. Have Butler and Fassbender ever needed help in the ripped-and-sexy department? Does Lena Headey's cleavage need contouring? If your answer to either of those questions is, "Why not?" then let us know when you want us to review whatever horrendous movie you just wrote.

That's the big question at work here: "Why not?" Why not transform Xerxes into a ten-foot-tall transvestite with some sort of thyroid disorder? Why not throw Persian orgies with fauns? Why not make the Spartan traitor a deformed hunchback? (People with birth defects are rage-filled invalids who can't be trusted, right?) Why not depict the bad guys as Africans and other darker-skinned people than the Spartans, yet again, since that's how Hollywood copes with evildoers? Why not send Leonidas into a suicide battle against an army THIRTY-THREE times larger than his own for no reason other than being remembered?

Oh? What's that? Being slaughtered mercilessly so people can make incomprehensible movies about you doesn't win the war? YOU DON'T F***ING SAY?

The Best Part: Queen Gorgo, played by Lena Headey, was strong and intelligent, and although the Spartan society around her saw her the same way they'd see any individual with two X chromosomes, she commanded respect. Her relationship with Leonidas, who treated her as his equal, was easily the best dynamic. Plus, visually-speaking, this movie is gorgeous.

The Worst Part: This "death for glory" bulls*** is not enough motive to drive a real-life fight, let alone a two-hour movie. It's just not.

We give 300 a C. It's not as bad as either of us remembered it, but it still failed to be enjoyable in any particular way.

Fun Fact: Most of the swords and shields used in this movie were recycled from the sets of Troy and Alexander. Explains a lot about this production, doesn't it?

(Poster and trailer © Warner Bros. Entertainment)

Pearl Harbor

We really must apologize. Sarah and I are students, after all, and there was so much to say about the last two movies we watched (in this post and the next), that we couldn't fit them into No-Time-For-Breathing November.

That being said, we're not sure where to begin.



Directed By: Michael Bay (Armageddon, Transformers)
Starring: Ben Affleck, Kate Beckinsale and Josh Hartnett
Plot Summary: "You know they don't blow up the harbor 'til an hour and a half into it, right?"

Michael Bay, who is the James Cameron of Dumb S***, spared no expense with this one. This man has never met a movie he didn't want to turn into a string of sentimental, 15-second action sequences. Our personal biases against Ben Affleck notwithstanding, there's something about this kind of movie epic that destroys actors' talents. Maybe it's the "Hey, this sounds meaningful" dialogue, or Bay's idea that spinning a camera on a dolly around two actors and a lens flare will create an intimate moment. In any case, nothing about this movie felt sincere, and most confusing of all, what could've been patriotically stirring was just boring as hell.

Observations Made As We Watched:
--"Movies that start with young versions of the actors tend to suck."
--"Oh, the music... oh no... oh NO!"
--"The Japanese should've bombed the s***out of this movie."
--"WHYYYYY?!"

"ARE YOU SERIOUS?! IN DIGITAL FORMAT, WE HAVEN'T MOVED PAST INTER-F***ING-MISSION?!"

Pearl Harbor takes up two DVDs because it is three hours long. Three hours and three minutes, to be precise. Don't be fooled into thinking that the filmmakers spent that first hour building up meaningful emotional tension, because they didn't. In the way that the first two hours of Titanic left me praying the ship would "just sink already" when I first saw it, we were more interested in watching the Japanese accomplish their mission than in watching childhood friends Rafe (Affleck) and Danny (Hartnett) take turns with nurse Evelyn (Beckinsale). It was one of the most boring movies we've seen yet, which was made worse by its length. And how the hell did the man responsible for making a yellow Camaro's taste in music interesting make THE BOMBING OF PEARL HARBOR boring to watch?! We sat there incredulous, asking ourselves aloud, "Why isn't this part exciting? Why don't we care right now?"

The answer lies in the tone. Bay took the sympathetic approach to this "day which will live in infamy," resulting in a completely indifferent depiction of the event. The way the bombing was shown, slowly and all over the place with random characters from anywhere, made it seem more like some unfortunate circumstance. Most war movies take a stance, and while this may not be the most accurate way to retell those kinds of events, it is the way that makes war personal. For storytelling purposes, whenever war isn't personal, it struggles to make a real impact. For example: Anyone else remember learning about the previous World War in history class? Do you remember anything about it other than Franz Ferdinand? Do you only remember Franz Ferdinand because of the band? Exactly.

Plus, the movie completely ignores the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, and oh-so-conveniently ends with the Doolittle Raid instead, leaving the atomic madness in the near future. Japan's actions against us certainly didn't add up to that horrifying tragedy, especially when you consider the non-brutal way this movie depicts them. We're not saying the Japanese characters should have been vilified, because they shouldn't, but Bay's usually blunt obsession with patriotism was shockingly vague here. We wonder how he would have justified America's actions in film form, if he could.

The Best Part: Ben Affleck broke his own nose by hitting himself in the face with a wine cork. Also, Alec Baldwin was here.

The Worst Part: The other two and a half hours.

We give it a D.

(Poster and trailer © Touchstone Pictures)

Troy

Troy was supposed to be epic. It was supposed to tell the story of the most legendary warrior of all time, and the face that launched a thousand ships, and the most crazy-awesome names in Greek history/mythology (Agamemnon, anyone?), and a whole lot of other stuff. It was not supposed to be a really dull movie.



Directed By: Wolfgang Petersen (Air Force One, The NeverEnding Story)
Starring: Brad Pitt, Eric Bana and Orlando Bloom
Plot Summary: "F***ing Helen... It's this chick's fault we had to read The Odyssey."

Troy takes forever to get started. And, in fact, it never really does. There are very specific moments of this movie that are played up more than the rest of the overdramatic "Hey, check out how EPIC this movie is" dialogue, like the moment near the beginning when Achilles (Pitt) stabs that big competitor in the shoulder and kills him. But this movie could've learned a thing or two from 300 (yes, 300, that stellar example of American cinema), which was 45 minutes shorter than Troy. We wanted the doomed King Leonidas to defeat Xerxes. Here, we didn't care if the doomed Achilles triumphed over... whatever he was trying to triumph over.

Observations Made As We Watched:
--"Is this where Brad Pitt's having sex and NOT fighting? Is that the story of Brad Pitt's whole life?"
--"Oh, the amount of things that out-act Orlando Bloom in this movie... including his own hair."
--"IT'S BRAD PITT'S ASS!"
--"Ouch... Let's evaluate what naked boobs must feel like against this weird armadillo armor he's wearing... You KNOW stuff's getting pinched."
--"Trojan hair is doing great things here. Look at the little gold barrettes! Troy's kinda fabulous."
--"Orlando Bloom's two faces: Constipated and Stoned."
--"So you're telling me... Karl from Love Actually was the tranny man in 300?"
--"This f***ing movie... is still going..."

"God, Paris is such a little bitch!"

We can't think of a more shameful moment for the Orlando Bloom fangirls than to see him crawling in the dirt to clutch Eric Bana's legs after Brendan Gleeson kicks the crap out of him. Paris (Bloom) kidnaps Helen (Diane Kruger), then says he's sorry, but proceeds to hide behind his big brother, Hector (Bana), instead of leading the war he started. Paris ruins EVERYONE'S lives. We realize this is more of an issue with Paris's character than the actual movie, since this is how things go down in The Iliad (the prequel to The Odyssey), but maybe if Bloom could act his way out of a period piece, this wouldn't have been so noticeable. Good actors can make even the most pitiful characters sympathetic.

This movie was just plain boring. After the first hour or so, we were amazed to look at the timestamp and see that we still... weren't... done. We had an hour and forty minutes left of this drudgery. Every scene could've been cut by a full minute. The pacing was painfully slow. And by the time we got to the pivotal fight between Achilles and Hector, we were so over the whole thing that we put the movie on mute and played Britney Spears's "Baby (One More Time)" over the scene. And it was hysterical.

The Best Part: Other than the Britney insertion, the moment when Achilles stabs Big Competitor in the shoulder and then just peaces out was pretty bad-ass. Also, male and female MVPs in the acting category: Peter O'Toole as the dignified King Priam of Troy, and Rose Byrne as Briseis, cousin of Hector and Paris, who was kidnapped to become Achilles's prize and then fell in love with him.

The Worst Part: This movie was seriously too long and slow-paced, and suffered from a severe case of ADD in terms of focusing on any one character enough to make us care.

Eh. We've seen better war epics, and we've seen worse. This one's a C-.

(Poster © Warner Bros. Entertainment, Inc.)