Gigli

Directed By: Martin Brest (Meet Joe Black, Beverly Hills Cop)
Starring: Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez, and Justin Bartha
Plot Summary: ""How are there 45 minutes of story left?" / "I don't know, since there haven't been 45 minutes of story YET."

WTF?

Gigli (Affleck) is a completely inept, low-level gangster. Known all over town as "a f***-up." His boss directs him to kidnap Brian, the mentally-retarded brother (Bartha) of a federal prosecutor, as a threat, so they can stop the big boss from going to prison. However, Gigli sucks at everything, so Ricki (Lopez) is also hired to take charge. Which begs the question, why keep messing around with Gigli in the first place? Whatever. Okay. The two watch Brian, and Gigli falls for Ricki, but Ricki's a lesbian, and nothing else really happens.

Observations Made As We Watched:
--"Jesus f***ing ballsacks, we're really watching this right now."
--"Is this Weather Channel music?"
--"Does he have chest hair, or is there something on my computer?"
--"He looks like a damn Grand Theft Auto character. Like, 'It's Vice City in this bitch!' Except Tommy Vercetti would've f***ed him up."
--"Is this a comedy? This can't be a comedy."
--"IS THAT THE DUDE FROM THE NEW NORMAL?! Oh my God, bless you, Justin Bartha, honey, why are you in this movie?"
--"Bennifer: a pop culture travesty if there ever was one."
--"I don't understand why he's mentally handicapped, story-wise. Like, is that just to get on Gigli's nerves? And, if so, can we not imply things like that about handicapped people, please?"
--"I feel like I'm delirious, like this can't be a movie."
--"Can we write George Clooney a letter about this? I know he had nothing to do with it, but he's friends with Ben, and I think he could help."
--"WE STILL HAVE AN HOUR AND 43 MINUTES LEFT?! I WANT TO BASH MY FACE INTO A WALL!"
--"Who wrote this dialogue, a potato?"
--"This is like a long car ride without a radio." / "With blacked-out windows." / "Through Indiana."
--"AL PACINO? WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"
--"I hope Matt Damon saw this and laughed in Ben's face."

"WHAT WAS THE F***ING POINT OF THAT MOVIE?"

You know, back when Sarah and I started this project, this was the one movie that made me second-guess committing to this. I thought, "God, we're going to have to watch Gigli at some point." We still weren't prepared. We spent most of this experience screaming, laughing, or crying as a result of either. It's billed as a romantic comedy, but it was neither romantic, nor funny. At all. The titular character is obnoxious, there's no plot, there are a million pointless monologues, some rando shows up for one scene and slits her wrists in Gigli's kitchen, the score is hideous, the writing is garbage, and we're pretty sure a brick wall and a cactus would have better chemistry than Ben and Jen.

Now, two very important things need to be addressed: the uses of Brian's mental handicap and Ricki's lesbianism. Both of these traits, for want of a better word, seem to only exist as foils for Gigli to overcome, which is downright offensive. Gigli spends most of his time around Brian yelling at him, and calls him names. The whole approach towards Brian -- the most charming character in the entire movie -- reeks of, "Oh, jeez, gotta babysit the retard." Really? REALLY? 

Is that supposed to be Gigli's character development? Learning to act like a human being towards Brian? It must be, since Gigli falling in love with Ricki sure as hell doesn't count. When he first questions Ricki's orientation, in the douchiest, most misogynistic way possible, he tells her how women can never really be satisfied sexually without a penis getting involved. My first thought was, "Oh, he doesn't understand oral at all, does he?" which Ricki then pointed out, and then she explained -- in a stressfully long-winded speech -- the appeal of going down on a vagina. As straight ladies, this was certainly a different perspective for Sarah and I to hear in a mainstream movie, but there were some questions:

1) Ricki's main point was that everyone, man or woman, wants to kiss someone on the lips because that's basically what a vagina looks like. Can anyone who's attracted to vaginas clear this up for us? Because neither of us equates a vagina with a mouth and wants to kiss it...
2) I call shenanigans on that being her main point, because I don't believe there's a woman on this planet, especially not a lesbian, who would wax poetic about labia for ten minutes and completely ignore the clitoris.

Anyway, Gigli's all, "Oh, you just haven't had a guy treat you right!" The fact that they run away together in the end serves to prove him right. We didn't believe their romance for a second, both because of their lack of spark and the fact that the movie presented no reasons in Gigli's character for Ricki to fall for him, other than the fact that he was there. Sure, sexuality can be fluid, but this particular display just fosters that age-old, Frustrated Straight Man Rage towards lesbians with the sexist notion that women only choose women because they never found the right man.

The Best Part: Justin Bartha, Christopher Walken, and Al Pacino are in this movie, and they're great.

The Worst Part: Everything else.

Sarah apologized multiple times for suggesting we do Gigli next. However, it had to be done, and now it never, ever, ever has to happen again.

Ben Affleck, you're an Oscar-winning writer. How could you have read this script and thought this was something you needed to be part of? Shame on you, Ben Affleck. SHAME ON YOU.

It's an F-.

Sarah: "I'm really upset about everything we just watched. I think I need to go to bed."
Jasmyn: "No! We're going to churn out this review. I don't wanna think about this movie past tonight."

(Poster and trailer © Revolution Studios)

The Last Airbender

What Sarah and I knew about the show, Avatar: The Last Airbender, before watching this movie:
1. There are people who can manipulate (or "bend") the elements
2. This kid, Aang, is the last airbender left for some reason, and he's the Avatar, whatever that is
3. EVERYTHING CHANGED WHEN THE FIRE NATION ATTACKED

What Sarah and I know now:

 
M. Night Shyamalan, you are drunk.

Directed By: M. Night Shyamalan (Unbreakable, Signs, The Village)
Starring: Noah Ringer, Nicola Peltz, Jackson Rathbone, and Dev Patel
Plot Summary: "Who edited this?!"

(We came into this so fresh and so clean, and we have to recap partly to make sure we understand what the hell happened.)

The Avatar is the one person who can bend all four elements (air, earth, fire, and water), and as such, the Avatar is the only one who can keep peace and balance amongst the four nations. Now, nobody's seen the Avatar in forever, but he's a Dalai Lama sort of figure in that he reincarnates through the ages, and it's been prophesied that the next Avatar will be an airbender. As you might've figured, there's only one airbender left (because EVERYTHING CHANGED WHEN THE FIRE NATION COMMITTED GENOCIDE ATTACKED), and he's the Avatar. Katara (Peltz), a waterbender, and her brother Sokka (Rathbone), who has no powers but can throw a boomerang, find Aang. And the Fire Nation, spearheaded by Prince Zuko (Patel) of 123 Daddy Issues Lane, is not having any of this, because if Aang defeats them, they lose all their power and conquest. So, they want Aang dead. By the way, he's only mastered air, and can sort of do water, so he's got to get all that down before they pimp-choke the Fire Nation for good.

Observations Made As We Watched:
--"I didn't think I'd ever say this, but I miss Twilight." / "I know, and I know it wouldn't make sense for him to have his Texan accent here, but I wish he did. S***, Jackson is so hot."
--"Oh, that was hella green-screen."
--"Where are they, and why are they all white?"
--"BOOMERANG VIOLENCE!"
--"This is the worst acting I've seen from either Jackson or Dev."
--"God damn it, the good guys are white Eskimos and the dark Indian is the evil one?"
--"So, Sokka can't bend anything, and that's why he has that lame-ass weapon?"
--"I feel like this had potential, because everyone says Avatar is an amazing show, but I'm already sad about how silly this seems."
--"THIS! BOY! IS ON FIIIIIIRE!"
--"I'm actually trying to pay attention, and I am so lost."
--"What is with this marshmallow dragon, for real, though?"
--"Are they dance-fighting? What the f***?"
--"If Sailor Moon taught me anything, it's that water will put out fire sometimes." / "Wait, Sailor Moon taught you that, and not life?"
--"I want out, but I know we can't stop the movie."
--"Oh, s***, Zuko's dad gave him the scar? That's f***ed up, bro."
--"What makes them think they can stop the AVATAR?!"
--"How the hell is a town full of waterbenders on fire? I don't understand how this keeps happening!"

"Haha, okay, Hollywood. You really couldn't help making the villains the dark ones."
"Just like The Lion King!"
"Just like every movie."

There's nothing more we can say about that issue tonight. We'll just show you.

Aang, the hero, pretty much the same as he was:

Katara and Sokka, Aang's friends, definitely white-washed:

Zuko, prince of the villainous Fire Nation, suddenly dark as hell:

 
This viewing gave us a case of Prince of Persia deja-vu, and not only because of the Hollywood-ized racial problems. Once again, certain physics of video games and cartoons just do not translate well on live-action film. Element bending, as an action, is this really elaborate tai-chi/interpretive dance hybrid, which we're sure was fine in cartoon form, as my roommate has told us the movement was much faster and more fluid on the show. In live-action, however, it looked silly and out of place.

Shyamalan was not the director for this material, which had such grand potential, but was on some sort of leash that never let any of the action get above a four. The fight sequences were ALMOST cool, and Aang and Katara each had some interesting bending moments, but they weren't heightened properly. Near the end, when Aang has mastered waterbending, he goes into Mach 10 Avatar Mode with his eyes and head tattoo glowing, and raises an entire tidal wave over the fleet of attacking Fire Nation soldiers chilling in the harbor, for about three straight minutes. We expected a grand WHOOSH. We expected to see Aang destroy those aggressive mofos and send the survivors swimming away with their tails between their legs. We expected glorious carnage for the destruction and insanity the Fire Nation had rained on everyone's lives, a watery "BITCH, BE COOL" for Zuko & Co.

BECAUSE, CLEARLY, THIS KID IS NOT IN A GAMING MOOD

You know what actually happened? NOTHING. Aang thought about how the Avatar isn't supposed to hurt people, and he stopped glowing, and he put the tidal wave down, and he let them go, and everyone bowed down to him as a powerful and merciful god. Like we said, all the action sequences were dissatisfactory, but that was a massive let-down after three straight minutes of Aang reaching "Jean Grey has unleashed the Phoenix"-level waterbending and the Fire Nation looking as though they'd all just crapped their pants. Especially after my roommate notified us that, on the show, Aang actually did what we thought he was going to do.

Sarah: "Is he just letting them escape?! COME THE F*** ON!"
Jasmyn: "OH, F*** THIS! I'M MAD!"

The Best Part: Ringer, the boy playing Aang in a wonderfully committed performance, seemed like he was having the time of his life. It's how we imagine we would feel if someone told either of us that we were playing Hermione Granger. Also, Oppa, Aang's pet sky bison, the creature I insist upon calling "the marshmallow dragon," was adorable.

The Worst Part: The storytelling in this movie was completely off. It was shot awkwardly, with tons of camera angles that were, frankly, bad choices (wide angles where there should have been close-ups, super close-ups on body parts when someone else was speaking, dolly shots whose movement distracted from what was actually happening in front of us, etc). The whole thing felt silly. We also had a bit of trouble following why certain things were happening, and apparently the story skipped over a lot of important events (according to my roommate) without filling in the blanks. We think we understood most of it, because, like we said, we tried really hard to do so, but a successful adaptation shouldn't require this much processing of the basic plot. Plus, we got weak performances from actors whose work we usually enjoy (Patel and Rathbone, in what we are now calling HICS, or Halle in Catwoman Syndrome).

We give The Last Airbender an F+.

(Poster and trailer © Paramount Pictures)

The Cheetah Girls Trilogy

WE'RE BAAAAAAAAACK!

Our summer hiatus is over, and to compensate for the lack of f**kery, we bring you not one... not two... but THREE at once! Ever since that misguided weekend, four years ago, when I made Sarah watch the High School Musical trilogy and Camp Rock, I think I've had a subconscious mission to keep her informed on all the ways that the Disney Channel makes life terrible. So, last week, when I brought The Cheetah Girls 2 into her life, Sarah asked, "Are we doing this for 'Camp or Crap?'" Shamefully, that answer was originally "no," as I had recently let myself watch it for the first time in a few years and wanted to share my guilty pleasure. However, after discussing the presence of the entire trilogy, and notifying Sarah that the first was worse than the second (I hadn't seen the atrocity the third movie yet), we decided that this would be an excellent way to jump back into things. Plus, we're still avoiding Spider-Man 3.



Directed By: Oz Scott (The Jeffersons, Fame the TV show), Kenny Ortega (Newsies, High School Musical trilogy), and Paul Hoen (Even Stevens, Sabrina the Teenage Witch)
Starring: Raven-Symone, Adrienne Bailon, Sabrina Bryan and Kiely Williams (Bailon and Williams were in 3LW when all this started)
Plot Summary: "This movie is trying really hard to be ethnic."

The Cheetah Girls begin as a singing quartet of freshmen whose main goal is to perform in their Manhattan high school's annual talent show. Because their school has lots of famous alumni, this talent show is the place to be discovered. The girls:

--Galleria (Raven-Symone): the bi-racial, type-A leader and songwriter, whose number-one focus is the success of the Cheetah Girls and reaching stardom. (Yes, their races are important, because they keep referring to them.)
--Chanel (Bailon): the fun-loving, Latina best friend who has abandonment issues with her mother's boyfriends
--Dorinda (Bryan): the dancer, a poor foster kid who doesn't know where she came from, but is presumably white and some other stuff
--Aquanetta, or Aqua (Williams): the brainy-yet-goofy black one who talks about being from Texas and putting hot sauce on food at every opportunity

As one would expect in a musical about struggling for fame in a group, Galleria becomes a problem when she gets a big head and acts like a raging bitch to everyone. (A near replica of that t-shirt moment in Almost Famous when Jason Lee says, "Oh, don't mind us, we're just the out-of-focus guys!" occurs after a promo picture of the Cheetah Girls appears.) She's super-unlikable at this point, but the movie flips when some skeezy record producer named Jackal comes in, and Galleria's suddenly the one with the best instincts for the group's well-being. There's dissent, and fighting, and Galleria quits the group. And then her dog falls in a hole and the Cheetahs rally together to sing him out of it. As anyone could guess, Galleria realizes how awful she's been, and everyone forgives each other, and then the above song occurs to finish the movie, complete with Galleria's irrelevant love interest playing an electric guitar that's not plugged into anything.



Now that Disney's done acknowledging that there are several cultures in the United States, the Cheetah Girls are moving on to Spain! Through a series of highly improbable events, the girls end up in Barcelona to compete in an international music competition before they begin their senior year of high school. Galleria, ever focused, works on the group's songs and tries to get everyone to rehearse, but the girls are distracted! Chanel is preoccupied with issues with her mom's Spanish boyfriend, Luc -- we're pretty sure he was French in the first movie, but I guess the producers needed a reason to go to Spain -- a perfectly nice man who has graciously welcomed everyone to stay in his beautiful mansion/villa. Dorinda gets wrapped up with a fellow dancer, Joaquin, who works for Luc and also happens to be a Count and can't act, and Aqua's suddenly into fashion design. All the while, the Cheetah Girls are being watched/stalked by a mysterious, gorgeous guitar player named Angel. (LIKE A GUARDIAN, GET IT? DO YOU GET WHY THE WRITERS NAMED HIM ANGEL?! DO YOU GET IT?!?!?!) Everyone is unfocused and Galleria quits again, but she comes back once the girls promise to keep it together. After a rival's scheming mom tries to break up the group and fails, the Cheetah Girls are stronger than ever and perform an outrageous bonanza for the competition. The movie ends without even mentioning who won, because I guess that's not supposed to be important after all the lessons everyone learned through their adventure or whatever.



At a certain point, somebody at the Disney Channel realized that in the course of this multicultural odyssey, they haven't covered India yet. So, in The Cheetah Girls: One World, the girls jet off to India to perform in a Bollywood movie. Raven's not in this one, probably because she was smart enough to say, "Okay, we've done what we can with this, and now I'm over it." Unfortunately, we're treated to a third movie without her, because 3LW isn't a thing anymore and Sabrina Bryan doesn't appear to have been involved in anything else. (Since, the three of them have decided to perform as the Cheetah Girls as a full-time gig. I accidentally saw them in concert once -- long story, I swear I didn't mean to -- and it was a hot-ass mess.)

The third one is full of nothing. Even fewer arcs than before, weird love set-ups (the most romantic one doesn't involve any of the three leads), a hell of a lot of extra characters, outfits that inexplicably got way worse than anything from the first movie... it's just useless. And Galleria's absence, explained by her being busy with preparations for Cambridge University (I like to think she's there with Angel, who sort of ended up being her love interest in Europe), leaves the group without an anchor. The movie's 75% music, due to lack of story, and we don't even remember there being a message for this one. Also, the Indian characters are somewhat slapstick, where the Spanish characters in the second movie had been cosmopolitan Europeans. In the age of Dora the Explorer, Spanish culture was embraced wholeheartedly, while even the Cheetah Girls' attitudes towards India seemed slightly more dismissive.

(Several) Observations Made As We Watched All Three Movies:
--"I can't remember all the names, so I'm just going to call them the names I made up for them: Gonorrhea, Aquafina and Dorito."
--"No, it is NOT 'Cheetahlicious!' That is not a word! SHUT THE F*** UP!"
--"Why would they all own the same ugly-ass jogging suit?"
--"That's not how you treat a dog! I am OFFENDED!"
--"Who am I supposed to like in this movie? 'Cause I don't like any of them."
--"Oh, Jesus, I smell a dance battle."
--"We're just pretending Galleria is dead, OK?" / "No, Galleria is not dead." / "...Yeah, I'm just pretending Galleria is dead."
--"Wow, they really didn't want to work on a story for this one."
--"HEY GUYS, DID ANY OF THESE THINGS WORK IN THE FIRST TWO MOVIES? NO? THEN WHY ARE WE DOING THEM NOW?"
--"That was rude, Dorito!"
--"This is strange and awful."
--"How did the acting get worse?"
--"'Dance me if you can?' You can't dance a person! Learn your verbs! 'DANCE ME' IS GIBBERISH, YOU DUMB BITCHES!"
--"Chanel, that top is too low-cut for the Disney Channel." / "Nah, Disney's had its cherry popped since Hannah Montana."
--"I don't want to sit through all the assumptions and jealousy in order to get to the 'Nothing will tear us apart!' resolution that is sure to occur. Like, this is ridic, and these outfits are just heinous and more heinous."
--"I have to take [Sarah's dog] Oskar out and decompress from what we just watched. BRB."

The Best Part: We found ourselves missing Angel to an obnoxious extent, considering that he's only got about 3 lines in the second movie, but because of his limited dialogue, that meant he never said anything stupid or cheesy. Which means we preferred him to any other guy who showed up. And although Sarah's not the biggest fan of Galleria, she certainly gave the group focus: Galleria united the other girls in their irritation when she was the villain, and then kept their eyes on the prize after she learned from her conceited missteps.

The Cheetah Girls 2 is the lesser of three evils; not surprising, given it's the only one with a director who specializes in musicals. It improved on the cheesy failures of the first movie, had better music and dance numbers, and integrated the Spanish language and environment in a way that didn't feel like the girls were just putting on costumes.

The Worst Part: The entire third movie is atrocious, but overall, the heavy-handed "Let's celebrate all the cultures we can!" thing is too much at times (as initially evidenced by most of the girls' off-the-wall names). It's a fantastic message, for sure, to embrace multiculturalism and international awareness, but there are moments when the movies are trying way too hard. On the other hand, the third movie's main love interest, the Bollywood director who becomes involved with Chanel, is the most Americanized of the Indian men. Disney's got a knack for this kind of backhanded diversity (please see our write-up for The Prince of Persia). Plus, we're not sure if this is a shrewd cultural observation or supremely offensive: Aqua accidentally runs into her crush, a tech guy she's never met and only knows through his over-the-phone assistance with her computer problems, in India, because of course, customer service is outsourced.

The Cheetah Girls = D+
The Cheetah Girls 2 = C
The Cheetah Girls: One World = F

Overall, that evens out to a D+ for the whole trilogy.

PS: This is Angel (Peter Vives).


(Posters and video clips © Walt Disney Company)

Catwoman

The first time I (Jasmyn) saw this movie, I sat through it for 30 minutes before I couldn't watch anymore. Sarah hadn't seen it at all. This was good judgment on her part.



Directed By: Pitof
Starring: Halle Berry, Benjamin Bratt and Sharon Stone
Plot Summary: "Oh, right, he doesn't recognize her because she's wearing half a mask. This is some Clark Kent/Superman s***."

The movie opens with a complex, pseudo-history lesson about ancient cats and women, much like the "Bella Googles vampires" montage in Twilight. There are lots of comic-book movies that start out this way, as an homage to their own iconic images, but the difference is that the others weren't boring. These filmmakers, however, hit us over the head with the cats, as if they wrote it for an audience who had the memory of a goldfish, and would periodically forget that the movie was about CATwoman. It became cheesy, when it should have been simple and stirring, like this:



(This is one of my favorite movie openings OF ALL TIME.)

Observations Made As We Watched:
--"What's with the weird, ethereal Troy music? It's a combo of Troy music and stripper music."
--"This camera work is bothering me! I'm getting dizzy!"
--"Oh god, there are STROBES!"
--"The laws of physics have just been defied."
--"This is exactly how John Wilkes Booth broke his leg."

"How did they make her look homely?! She's HALLE BERRY!"
"It's just the wardrobe, though, because her face is f***ing up any 'homely' plans they had."

Halle Berry is a beautiful, Oscar-winning actress. That being said, there is no excuse -- we repeat, NO EXCUSE -- for her acting in this movie. She was fine when she was timid, innocent Patience Phillips (a terrible name, considering the last Catwoman's name was Selina Kyle). When Patience became Catwoman, Halle went overboard. She was twitchy and awkward, kind of the way Anne Hathaway (another Oscar-nominee) decided to play the White Queen in Alice in Wonderland. It made us think, "What happened? Why are you doing this?" So, Michelle Pfeiffer still reigns in this role. Plus, she was sexier in her costume, covered head-to-toe, than Halle was, half-naked in an S&M bra and leather jeans. It's worth noting, because in every incarnation of the character, Catwoman's life purpose is apparently to act like a klepto-nymphomaniac.

The Best Part: The conceit that Sharon Stone's villain character had developed invincible skin because of the age-defying, illness-inducing cosmetics she was selling to the public was pretty cool. Especially when she fell out of a skyscraper, because we could see the cracks and chips that came out of her face after she landed, like a poorly-restored statue. It was a great special-effect.

The Worst Part: Instead of fixing a craptacular script, the producers threw money at it. $100 million dollars, in fact. The movie only made $40 million. Ouch...

We give this movie a resounding F.

Sarah: "I miss good movies... I'd like to remind you that this entire project was YOUR idea."

(Catwoman poster and trailer © Warner Bros. Entertainment, Inc.)
(Spider-Man footage © Sony Pictures Entertainment)

Glitter

We don't even know where to begin.



Directed By: Vondie Curtis Hall (The Starter Wife, Boston Legal)
Starring: Mariah Carey and Max Beesley
Plot Summary: "THERE'S SLOW-MO FOR NO REASON!"

This is easily the worst movie we've ever seen. Easily. We can't even describe it. The acting is so atrocious that you can clearly see Mariah thinking, "I'm supposed to look sad here. Oh, I'm supposed to think this part is funny. Is this my 'conflicted' face?"

Observations Made As We Watched:
--"I think Mini-Mariah is going to be better than real Mariah, but I doubt she's sticking around."
--"What is this leopard pimp motif?"
--"S***, I'm glad we missed the 80s."
--"What is Terrence Howard doing here?"
--"I wonder who went to the movies to see this. Like... I want the list."

"I never... ever... want to do this again."

Nothing happened. Nothing happened for at least an hour and twenty minutes of the movie (which was an hour and forty minutes long). The movie had a beginning and an end, but no middle, like a hamburger with no meat and only buns. Plus, Billie's (Mariah's) absent mother was referenced in the very start, in some random part in the middle, and at the end when she found her again. There was no "I'm looking for my mother" arc, and Billie was one of the most passive main characters we've seen in awhile. She didn't make anything happen at all, and when things happened to her, she seemed ambivalent at best and annoyed at worst.

The Best Part: There was an adorable orange kitten (which, unfortunately, grew up to be a really mangy cat). And, as we said, young Mariah (played by Isabel Gomes) was better than grown-up Mariah.

The Worst Part: No plot, bad acting, terrible versions of 80s music... It was so collectively bad that we're not sure which one takes the cake.

We're still shuddering. It's the worst movie either of us have ever seen in our entire lives and we give it an F-.

(Glitter poster and trailer © 20th Century Fox Film Corporation)

The Fog (2005)

Sarah hadn't seen this movie yet. However, I (Jasmyn) actually saw this in theaters with my mom and aunt, because the three of us thought Tom Welling was the hottest thing to come into existence since the sun. But here's a Fun Fact: He's not worth seeing this.



Directed by: Rupert Wainwright (Stigmata, MC Hammer's "You Can't Touch This" video)
Starring: Tom Welling, Maggie Grace and Selma Blair
Plot Summary: "Is their go-to thing, 'Okay, we don't have a plot, so let's show a picture of the water?'"

Within the first minute -- the FIRST MINUTE -- I was laughing and Sarah was screaming, "This is so bad!" It starts out with something vaguely resembling backstory, then transitions into a shot of the water with Fall Out Boy's "Sugar, We're Goin' Down" playing over it. WTF?! Never mind the fact that this is the only pop song in the entire movie, and therefore sticks out like a sore thumb before you even realize you're not going to hear any more of this music. It's nowhere near the biggest problem.

Observations Made As We Watched:
--"Did he just say the fog couldn't get in the freezer?"
--"Not enough people have died yet."
--"Is the fog going to drive the truck now?"
--"What the f***?!"

"I don't understand who we're supposed to care about in this movie."

Tom Welling covers the "strong guy" role decently. We all know Selma Blair doesn't get the greatest roles, even though she's been in the game for 15 years. But Maggie Grace, who plays the completely disinteresting protagonist, Elizabeth, is like a soggy loaf of bread. There's not a single actor in this movie who seems to have been hired exclusively for their talent, but she was the worst. If you make a terrible movie with terrible dialogue recited by actors who can't make you care, there's nothing to watch.

There are ghosts of murdered people from yesteryear coming out of the fog to wreak vengeance on the descendants of the people who murdered them. A good concept? Yes. This could've been a wonderfully creepy ghost story. But it wasn't. The plot of this movie is incomprehensible, especially because of the ending that completely destroys whatever sense the movie was attempting to make.

The Best Part: We watched a DVRed episode of Jeopardy after the credits rolled to get some brain cells back.

The Worst Part: Everything involving Elizabeth, which was basically the whole plot.

This was the worst movie Sarah has seen thus far, and almost the worst I've ever seen (there's another dumbf*** horror movie taking its place for #1, which we will review in the future).
For being a rancid piece of meat that was marinated in cat piss, we give this movie an F.

PS: Sarah has been screaming "WHY WAS IT SO BAD?!" for the past hour.

(Poster and trailer © MGM Studios, Inc.)